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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on August 04, 2005 at 15:33:37:
From: "s
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:Need help with my marriage
Date: Jul 2005 Hello Dr. Beverlee,
I have never written to anyone before about my situation so I am hoping you can give me some advice regarding what I should do about my marriage. I married my husband when we were 21 and 22 right out of college. Around the 2 year mark I met someone at work who was exciting and caring and all of the things in between. Needless to say I have been seeing this person for 4 years now. My affair knows I am married and knew that when the relationship started. I feel horrible and awful about what I have done behind my husbands back. My husband is a great guy and cares for me a lot. We have never really spent a whole lot of time together since we've been married. He is kind of a workaholic and I think I became lonely and changed over the course of our marriage. What it comes down to is I don't know what to do. I can't decide if I should breakup with the affair or get a divorce. The affair and I have never discussed this, never told each other I love you which I am thinking is because of the situation. I love my husband and do not want to hurt him; I just am so conflicted about my feelings between these two wonderful men. I need some serious help but cannot afford counseling. Any advice you could give me would be greatly appreciated. I am not the type of person who runs around cheating this is the first time I have ever done anything this disgusting and it was not planned by any means, it just sort of happened.
Thanks for your help,
Dear S:
The most important sentence in your letter to me is your expression of love for your husband and the words about his being a “great guy”. In 4 years you and your friend have not said “I love you” and that is very telling. At the moment you have a Captain’s Paradise with different benefits from each port. At some point damage done will be so severe that you will lose the choice you now have. The Yin: If you wan to save your marriage, and I believe you do, you will need to put all your energy into that relationship and this means the affair needs to be ended. Affairs are always secretive and exciting but turning them into a committed relationship is not the same thing. Your marriage is at a disadvantage – it can never be as exciting as an affair. However, if you change some things your marriage can grow and bring much peace and joy. Perhaps a place to start is communication with your husband about his priorities and yours. Spend a great deal of time talking to each other. Find out who you both are. Age twenty-one and twenty-two are very young to be settling down and may account for the need to express yourself in another relationship. Each of you may have seriously different values and needs. The Yang: Guilt is your new companion. Give your marriage a fighting chance by ending the affair. If, after a time, you discover the marriage was a poor decision, you can divorce and start over with a clear conscience. Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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