Family Loyalty - Or Lack Of!

Date: Jul 2005
From: "P"
Subject: Ex-fiance
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

I was engaged to a guy when I was 20 years old. Four months prior to the wedding I cancelled the wedding. The guy was physically as well as verbally abusive to me. After I broke up with him he stalked me for several months until he finally left the state.

My family, especially my two younger brothers kept in touch with him throughout the years.
Recently, he came into town for a class reunion. My mother cooked dinner, lunch and allowed him and the rest of my family to gather at her home for three days. My husband (we have been married for 22 years) and I were very hurt to think they would welcome him like they did.

Whenever I hear about him, it brings up such awful memories about that time in my life. I guess what I'm upset about the most is my family would welcome him and treat him like he was a long lost relative when he treated my so awful.

My sister's reaction was, "he was a part of our family and we knew him before you went out with him". My mother hasn't spoken to me since he left town last week. I believe they think my husband and I are overreacting.

Are we being too sensitive?

Dear P:

Breaking your engagement 22 years ago was one of the wisest decisions of your life even though pain is being reawakened by your insensitive family. By bringing this abuser/friend into the intimacy of family life, your parents, brothers, and sisters have made a very poor decision. If nothing else, this family should want to protect you and honor your experiences and feelings. It is beyond my comprehension why they would celebrate for 3 days with someone who created a deep trauma for you. Imagine a family welcoming a perpetrator of rape into the family home under the claim that, well, he was a friend long before the rape! Well, now you have the picture!

The Yin: Overreaction – absolutely not! Now added to the painful memories are current family behaviors, both inappropriate and damaging.

The Yang: Tell your jealous sister she’s known you from day one and most loving sisters protect their own family. When you have an opportunity to sit down with your mother please share these thoughts with her. I might add every loving parent wants the best for their child. Marriage to an abuser is the worst choice women too often make affecting not only their life but the children’s as well. Ask mom why she is unable to honor the best decision a young woman can make? As a therapist in practice over 30 years I have never discovered a relationship where anyone benefited from abuse – either verbal, physical, or both!

Feel free to share this with your mother. She can write to me as well if she wishes.

Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com