Life Challanges

From: "L
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:Confusion As I Enter My Sixties
Date: Sep 2005

Dear Doctor Beverlee,
I received a response from C D whose site I visit a great deal and I have gained some wisdom from her site. I hope you can offer me some advice.
I am 59 years old and I travelled an interesting if sometime rough road. A long divorced mother of two grown children, I ran my own successful consulting business for a decade during the '90s, was busy in my leisure time working in the community with a folk music foundation and enjoyed both undertakings. From the mid 'nineties on, my health began to deteriorate due to an old back injury and I pursued alternative health measures, which helped somewhat. I also took several courses at a local college of transformational arts which was tremendously helpful in teaching me to meditate and learn more of the spirit. I have been searching for my own meaning of the universe since I was quite young and this fulfilled my life at a time when the one thing I had no room for was a man in my life.
Towards the end of the century my health really began to fail. I tried to ignore it, as I suppose many business people do, as I was making good money, the volunteer organization I was president of needed my leadership and my children were at a phase where they also needed my help.
My sister and I had not been in communications for several years because of her involvement in a cult religion. In 1998 my brother, who I got along with and who lived in the same city as her [they didn't get along either] said she wished to contact me and I agreed. We emailed each other mostly. My brother contracted esophageal cancer and died suddenly July 1, 1999. I flew out for his wake [no funeral as he was cremated] and planned to stay in a hotel but my sister insisted I stay with her. I have a reputation for being easy going but was surprised to discover three other people from her "church" were staying with her and she expected me to sleep in her bed with her. I refused as I have a chronic pain condition and a mobility problem that keeps me up at night, Peripheral Neuropathy, which is the long-term result of the back injury I suffered on-the-job in 1983, so I ended up sleeping on her couch.
In 2000, I received a phone call from my sister who had moved to Los Angeles. She had moved there, expecting to marry one of the members of the cult. It didn't come about and she was broke. Against my own better judgment but being the only living member of our family that came to Canada from England in 1955, I felt I had no choice but to help her. My grown children knew how I felt.
I brought her to Ontario, paid for her to move her stuff from Vancouver and she stayed with me almost two years before I found her an apartment here in Toronto. While she has been very kind during my illness, her continued involvement in this cult has continued to bother me.
Things went from bad to worse and by 2001 I was supplementing my income with my , declare bankruptcy based on a small amount owing to credit cards mostly and live with friends. My health deteriorated even more and I lost everything. Since then, I have been living on a government pension and my children and sister have been helping me out financially, rather than the reverse, which was how it had been. Neither my children nor my sister are really in a position to do this.
My health, which was improving for a while, hit a road block when I got breast cancer a year ago.
I am an exuberant person, known for my sense of humour and optimism. I have been through chemotherapy and radiation and it was really hard on me due to peripheral neuropathy, which my specialists warned me about. My natural ebullience is really being tested, however, and it seemed if there was a reaction to the chemotherapy, I got it. Now my chemo-oncologist suspects I may be getting skin cancer from the radiation. It's as though the specialists read my disability issues and then forgot it when they decided on the chemo and radiation protocol.
Each time I feel I have progressed and can start up my business again, something happens and I fall back again. I was given a government grant almost a year ago to start my business, a new project that would help the forgotten people in the corporate pyramid. These are the people who are 'let go' time and again time during layoffs, downsizings, right-sizings, etc. My program is unique, do-able and I have completed in-depth market research. It is still unique will help hundreds of thousands of people.
That was before I got cancer. I was even dropped from the government program because it took too long to get the business started due to the length of time I was "out" with my cancer therapy. The government simply didn't have an alternative plan for me and I sat in suspended animation, not believing I could be put on the shelf like that.
Some friends and my own common sense eventually prevailed and I decided I would move ahead without the government support about a month ago. Then I get the news that skin cancer could well be lurking in my future. I can't understand why things are going from bad to worse for me.
I appreciate that I can't expect to live another forty years but it won't take that long to get my project up and running. There is so much good in this program. I have people ready to work with me. I am ready to get started. Why do you think there are so many health issues popping up to prevent it from beginning? I don't understand it.
I've been healthy most of my adult life. Was athletic when I was young. I've done a lot of inner work, talked to psychiatrists, psychologists about the fear of failure, the fear of success. I don't think I have a lot of issues. My background is in human resources and I think I have a fairly good handle on psychology. Have I some deep dark secret that I don't understand? Is it some sort of karma? I don't believe in karma, but I do believe in reincarnation. What is going on in my life that is causing all this stuff to happen. I am so broke that most of the time I don't have a penny in my pocket. There is money "out there" owing to me, but there seem to be blocks preventing me from getting to it. I have plenty of experience in billing clients and getting invoices paid, but this is really starting to make me wonder if it is over for me.
Peripheral Neuropathy is a chronic pain condition and I have adapted to that. I have diabetes and I have managed to learn and control it by diet alone. I have really made some strides. I can't seem to get even one break.
Even when I decided it was time for me to meet and greet men again, I quickly got my heart broken but it had its positive side. It started me writing. Then I met a wonderful man in my PN [peripheral neuropathy] web support group. We were pen pals for more than two years and he decided to come to Canada for a visit. We were both very excited about this when he was struck down by cancer and is now receiving end-of-life counselling.

Why can't I move forward?

Thank you for any advice you can offer.

L

Dear L:

Life has brought you some horrific challenges and you have met them with humor, intelligence, and a fighting spirit. Continue using all your resources to create a meaningful life.

The Yin: It makes sense to go ahead with the government project. Your interest and belief in contributing to others is important for your own joy and wellbeing. We all need to follow our passion and awaken our creativity.

If you have skin cancer, it is eminently treatable unlike other forms of cancer. If you do not currently have it, then worrying about it will only produce different health jeopardy. Let it go and monitor those things that your doctor recommends. Treating a medical reality is essential for all of us. (I am an 18 year survivor of breast cancer, my daughter a 31/2 year survivor of ovarian cancer. Both of us do yearly testing and frequent doctor visits.)

The Yang: You have made strides! Keeping old relationships in good communication and adding new ones, such as your pen pal, will give your spirit more support. Reach out to all the possibilities both career and personal. There is much life left for those of us over 60. We look ahead and find the light and joy beyond the tunnel.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com