Abusive Relationship

Subject: Relationship communication
Date: 10/2005
From: S
To: beverlee@selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Hi Dr. Beverlee,

I am struggling in my relationship with a man that I have been with exclusively for almost 5 years. The biggest problems seem to be precipitated by his drinking and lack of sleep due to working. He becomes angry, negative about me and everyone else, uses racial slurs even though he knows that they offend me, and speaks to me rudely alone and in front of people. When I tell him that I don't like the way he spoke to me, he reacts with more hostility and doesn't admit that he spoke to me in that way. In fact, he repeats verbatim what he "said” even though I tell him that I was there and I heard everything personally. He changes the tone and even the words that when he repeats it, but denies doing that. Usually, he turns everything around and blames me for some reason -- saying that I'm tired and he can do nothing right when I'm tired, etc. I don't have these experiences when I'm out with my friends or family, however,! and it seems that I have no problem communicating exactly what I'm feeling with them.

His drinking definitely contributes to the poor communications -- he either finally relaxes and is approachable after a few drinks, or after a few more, becomes more hostile or says things that just don't make sense. During these times, I find that it is best to not say anything, and that seems to keep him happy with me. I often can't wait for him to fall asleep when he's at this stage.

I am at my wit's end. He left last night angry after I had pointed out that I didn't care for the way he spoke to me at a restaurant, which he, of course, denied doing. He wouldn't even look at me or speak to me.

I have tried to stay away from him in the past because of similar experiences, but he then contacts me and says he misses me and will be better --which he is for a few days.

After writing this, I feel like I know the answer -- I'm sad that the relationship is over after almost 5 years, but I think it's time to be alone and not treated badly, rather than be with him and be treated badly continuously.

Please let me know your thoughts.
Sad

Dear Sad:

There are patterns of abuse which are embedded in a person’s life, destined to be repeated. These can remain the same over years, or can escalate into more serious and potentially dangerous behavior. Sometimes an abusive person realizing the horror created for himself and others may then seek therapy. This may or may not be successful. Addictions such as drugs and or alcohol are also very resistant to treatment. Recognition by the abuser is essential for any ability to change. As you describe your situation it is not one of hope.

The Yin: Five years of abuse is a lifetime. You know the pattern of “I’m sorry” and then abusive behavior which damages your self esteem, your worth, and your dignity. Your decision to move on is grounded in 5 difficult years. Give yourself space and time to find the life that is waiting for you.

The Yang: If you want to be even sadder imagine the next 5 years of your life as it is now, only more destructive both emotionally and perhaps physically. Blame is the standard operating song of addicts and abusers. Everyone else is to blame for unhappiness and drinking. Let him play that song to another willing partner.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com