Danger Of Cyberspace Friendship

Date: Sep 2005
From: "A & G"
Subject:Internet affair
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

Dear Dr. Beverlee,

My husband left his email account open and I thought it was my own yahoo account and opened the unread email. Long story short, I've found that he was having a cyber affair with a woman he'd met on an
innocent online Yahoo! games site. I confronted him and he panicked, begged me to forgive him, swore he'd end it, that it had never happened before, etc. This had been going on for about three weeks. They had just begun talking on the phone and had spoken four times live. He says it was only meant as fun and that he had made it clear he loves me and was happily married and that she was married too, she was just lonely and it stroked his ego to "help her feel better about herself." He tells me he would never have done it if he ever thought I'd find out and get hurt. He called her on the phone in front of me and told her it was over and I spoke to her too to make sure she believed him. Both of us asked her not to communicate with him again. She agreed and apologized to me and told me that my husband loves me and had made that very clear to her throughout their affair. Of course, she then immediately emailed him twice (love songs) and called his cell phone. He deleted the emails in front of me and told her not to call him again.

I love my husband deeply; he's also my very best friend. I thought--and still think--we have a very strong marriage, but I'm pretty shaken up about this. I keep asking myself where this would have gone if I hadn't stumbled across the evidence and confronted him and I can't stop the movies in my head. How do I regain my sense of trust in him? Am I overreacting?

Thanks,

Scared

Dear A and G
One of the things that make us human is the ability to make a mistake and inadvertently create pain for someone we dearly love. Everyone is tempted at some point in time to do something less than beneficial. What may keep us from acting on it is a sense of conscience and a concern that it will cause pain to someone we love. We may override these concerns for any number of reasons.

The Yin: This is a golden opportunity to begin a deeper communication with each other. Make an effort to understand each other’s needs, wants, life goals being met or unmet, changes in the relationship over time, directions each desires for now and the future, what is wonderful, what may be missing, and what would each like to see happen that isn’t. It is essential not to cast blame during your talks. All discussion is pointed in the right direction of making a wonderful marriage even more joyous and comfortable. When I did marriage counseling with clear marital infidelity as an issue, I always looked at what had happened in the relationship that may have prompted the affair. Both partners played different roles. Hopefully your talks together will be most helpful and a therapist guide unnecessary.

The Yang: A wrong question…. “Where would this have gone?” A right question…. “What do we each do to satisfy the wants and needs of the other?”

Trust is built over time. G can only be responsible for his acts. He took that responsibility seriously it seems. The woman at the other end sounds like a disturbed person (fatal attraction pathology). After being told to stop, she persisted very inappropriately. G may need to change his cell number, email address. A small price to pay for a poor choice of a cyberspace friend.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com