Changing Old Friends - Time Spent Well

Date: Oct 2005
From: "A K"

Subject: Friend problem
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

Dear Dr.Beverlee,

My name is A, I’m thirteen, and I live in Iowa. I've been friends with a girl from my class since we were born, but as I've gotten older I've matured more than she has. I've grown apart from her because to me she still acts childish and it annoys me when she is telling me storied about her cat barfing and stuff of the type. Also she is constantly following me around so I have no space to breath and it really bothers me. I want to tell her to back up and start depending on herself a little bit more but I don’t want to be mean. Also every time I've tried to talk to her about it she has still been sticking to my side and has never learned that I don’t want her to always hang on me like that. What do I do? Sincerely
A

Dear A:

During your life you will discover new friendships compatible with your values and personality, and you will also realize that some old friends will no longer feel comfortable. It appears that your oldest friend is most reluctant to move way. As you distance yourself, she becomes more insecure and dependant. She is deeply threatened by your changes. There are some ways to approach this challenge.

The Yin: If you want to keep some form of a relationship, then you can communicate clearly but with sensitivity. Tell her that you value all the years of friendship. Speak to her about the things you most like about her, such as loyalty, kindness, etc. After she hears this she will better hear what you want and need now, which is your space. Ask her to join you only when you invite her company. Be sure to say the distance you need is NOT because she is a bad person or that the reasons are even related to her. It is YOU who have discovered new things about yourself which require new experiences. Ask her to honor what you are requesting. Allow her to talk about her own feelings but remain steadfast in that you have your own needs.

The Yang: A permanent break can be arranged, but think twice because it will be very painful to all. It requires you to tell her you want to leave the friendship at least for a time. Don’t call me, I’ll call you! It will produce pain, anger, and perhaps confusion. I believe the first (the Yin) is a far better way to handle the situation.

Good luck, Ashley, write and tell me how it all goes.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com