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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on June 17, 2002 at 06:32:33:
Dr. Beverlee I have been dating this young man now for almost 8 months. His recovering from prostate cancer and is having a hard time dealing with it. He also has suffer from depression. I love this young man dearly but he seems not to be able to deal with the fact that he can no longer fuction sexually. I have told him time after time that making love is not the most important thing in a relationship but knowing that the person loves you for you. I have not seen him now for almost 4 months but I still love him. We talk on the phone and email each other but he can not get over the fact what his cancer and depression has done to him. When we first started dating he had asked me to move in with him and I had thought about it and was going to do it. I even took my children down to see his house and to find out if they were willing to relocate. Everyone feel in love with each other and all systems were set go. My youngest son and I went to visit him one weekend and he went into a state of total depression. Now I dont know if and when I will see him again he told me that the relationship was over but not really over he just was not sure that he could give me what I was looking for. But I dont believe that. Him and I dated once before and after not hearing from him in five years he call and the realtionship started all over again . The problem is that I dont know whether to go on with my life or to wait to see if this man is going to recover from his depression. I love him and I know that we could have a great life together. Please help I am drepressed in need of some good advice Dear M.T.: Cancer and depression are, as you know serious illnesses that may be related, but also may be quite separate. The man you love must deal with both problems and will need both medical and psychological professional help. Only he can be responsible for his recovery. Until he makes major adjustments to these issues, he will not have energy to give much of anything to you and your children. For people with cancer and depression just getting out of bed is very difficult let alone living a normal family life. The Yin and Yang for you: The Yin: no one can tell you how long his recovery process will be, or if he will recover. You can maintain a friendship, give him support, but go on with your life. The Yang: you can offer him the friendship and suggest that he communicate to you if a change occurs and he wants to fully pursue the relationship. Discuss with him the possibility of both of you meeting with his oncologist to discuss his cancer and the effect of his therapy and or disease on his sexuality. Certain drugs used for treatment of prostate cancer will decrease sexual desire. However, when the therapy is over, assuming it can stop, then there might be a possibility his sexual desires will return. You also need to consider if you would put your life on hold if you knew it would take a year, or years, for him to pursue a committed relationship? Include in this decision that he may have to fight depression throughout his life. My best for you and your family, Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit: www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or write to beverleesee4ever@aol.com
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