Waiting In The Wings

From: M
Date: Mon, 7 Oct 2002
Subject: Confused
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

Hello, Approximately one year ago, my boyfriend of 3 years returned to his ex-wife. He moved out of the residence that we lived in at that time. His reconciliation lasted for 3 months before they once again parted ways. Very recently, my ex has expressed an interested in trying to work things out with me. He point blank told me that he had made a terrible mistake, that he knows that what he did to me wasn't fair, that he did what he did because of his children. He also went on to say that he has never loved anyone or felt such passion towards another person as he did with me. He also mentioned that he feels very guilty. Here's my question. Why has it taken this man an entire year to show remorse? He had to have known how painful that entire ordeal was on me. Why could he have not told this to me sooner? My other question is, how in the world can two people get past all that has happened? He told me that he missed me, that he missed all of the good times that we had together and he also said that he still loved me. Can you help me clarify things a bit? Thank you, M

Dear Waiting in the Wings:

One of the most difficult transitions we human beings make is getting divorced. And an especially challenging divorce is a divorcer or divorcee with children. The scenario for the adults is to make the decision to divorce when there is no other love relationship to muddle the waters. People get confused about their loyalty and feelings if they don’t make a clean break. And, as is the case with your boyfriend, guilt often pushes the person into trying reconciliation with the abandoned mate.

All the parties suffer pain, the husband, the wife, and the girlfriend. When I counsel people getting divorced I suggest they wait a year or two before committing to a new relationship. This allows time to adjust to the drastic changes and gives children time to relate to one parent visitation and custodial parent living arrangements.

The Yin: Your boyfriend had not emotionally accepted his divorce when he joined you in a live-in relationship. I suspect he spent that year, “without showing remorse for his behavior toward you”, confused about his feelings, questioning his life, his choices, and having anxiety about his children’s well being. All of these are totally appropriate aspects of the divorce experience. There is rarely a black and white divorce choice and so humans seesaw about their feelings and decisions. Relationships all have tradeoffs and none are perfect. It is always a journey of discovery of who will be a better fit in terms of choosing a life partner. You both must decide what will sustain your relationship. Are there shared values, goals, attitudes and agreements concerning children, finances, family, intimacy, and sexuality, etc.? Humor helps. Good times and fun are wonderful but do not a long-term marriage make. Communicate all the above then communicate again and again.

The Yang: You can look at the 3 years as a great learning experience. Recognize that something major prevented him from being in a committed marriage with you and that lack of commitment is something important only between the two of you. You can too easily blame the decision on his children, the ex-wife, his work, families, etc. but you are four plus years down the road and it is time to move on.

Which makes more sense, Yin or Yang?

With best wishes,

Dr. Beverlee
Author of The Day the Music Stopped: Re-enchantment of Our Lost Spirit: