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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on November 18, 2002 at 09:50:41:
Subj: despair...waiting for the sword of Damaclese Dear Dr. Beverlee, My husband whom I was attached to since 1970 and married in 1975 told me June 26,2001 that he was going to divorce me once he got a job. He was laid off from Hewlett Packard, end of Jan. 2001. The year previously, we were supposed to relocate out of the area to his job but as the company was tenuous, we didn't. He lived in 4-5 star hotels for two years while he was working away from home. Before that, in 1997, he spent 10 months out of the country. We did visit him for one month while he was working in Asia. We have 3 boys together, the oldest is 16 this month, the middle one is 12.5 and the baby is 9.5. I quit my job when the youngest was 4 months old because I couldn't take the stress of work-I have asthma. I get bronchitus. I've had reactive hypertension and I've been on anti-depressants for 4 years. Anyways, things were going downhill quickly in the Autumn of 2000 and by Valentine's 2001 they were unbearable. I blew up when a female friend (I don't believe he was physical yet) called the home. I know I'm not crazy because he concealed any information about her whereas I could find Anyways, this guy-who is my husband, still lives at home. His dad pays our mortgage (loan); I worked 2 jobs last year to pay the bills my husband said were my share (utilities, phone bill, my credit cards). I visited a lawyer 6 months ago, and he said I would have to pay my husband alimony and child support because he has been taking care of the kids since I was working. The lawyer said we were stuck and we couldn't afford to get a divorce. Now, as it is, whether I say or move out, I still would have to pay my husband unless he gets a job. I quit my night job and got a school loan to get a teaching credential in 1.5 years. I am being wrung thru the wringer as its very hard to substitute teach (my day job) and take 8 units of college at night. I just see a dark, dark tunnel in front of me and a little light at the end. No matter what I do, I feel like I will have to go through Hell. I have always been one of those people who feel one step behind life- always trying to catch up. The roof leaked from the rain yesterday; we don't have health insurance (I'm going to apply for Healthy Start-low income insurance for the kids). My car in marginal. We had no savings when my husband was laid off. I am guilty of being a lousy housekeeper and was a very poor money manager, but I was a very involved and caring mother. Now I feel like the kids are being ripped away from me. My husband takes them where he wants and sometimes they don't inform me. My night with them is Sunday night. I know God want something better for me. I hate being a whiner but there are so few people who really know who my husband is and why he is giving me the silent treatment. What advice do you have for me? How can I keep my moral up? I hate myself and I hate the situation I'm in. Thank you for reading this post, P T Dear Waiting for the Sword to Fall: Taking on all the problems of life at once is like being hit head on by a freight train. Add to that being a person who has a serious dislike of oneself, the end result must be true despair. Is there a way to approach your issues and change the negative paths? The Yin: Let’s take one problem at a time and dedicate energy to making one small change, then another, and then another. Getting a teaching credential is excellent, as your services will be needed for years to come. Since your day job is imperative financially, perhaps you can take less night credits and finish a little later. You at least need a part-time out. Your husband is living a separate life under one roof and from your letter does what he wishes without being accountable. You cannot force him to work, but you can decide what you will contribute or not contribute financially to your family. Make it clear you do not intend to take care of him anymore! Your children are of an age where he does not need to be a full-time babysitter so that excuse for not working is ridiculous. Everyone in the household is capable of doing jobs and making contributions. If you disappeared they would of necessity find a way to financially survive. Have a long talk with the children about what you need and what they need from you. Explain to them that the present arrangements cannot continue, because everyone will be damaged Give up some of these heavy burdens or your current life choices will physically and emotionally destroy you. It is not by accident your body and spirit are having very serious ailments – asthma, hypertension, depression. You do all the work and take on all the problems. Your husband finds it easy to be a taker. Stop! Decide what is reasonable to do and do only that. The Yang: Begin to explore support for you – friends, groups, etc. -- who will know you as a decent, caring person. Appreciate that you have done the best that you can. If you could have done it better, you would have. Accept all that you are, and all that you do each day. Take each of these days, decide what is important and let the rest go. If you can do this, you will begin to like yourself and appreciate your gifts. Some of the voices in my book had great challenges in their lives and discovered ways to re-enchant their spirit. Within each of us is a creative, amazing self. Your best self has been too busy picking up all the pieces dropped by self-centered others who could care less about your survival. Take small steps and joy will come where no joy existed before. With best wishes, Dr. Beverlee
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