|
Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on December 20, 2002 at 06:45:04:
Hello Dr Beverlee, My situation is this...I have been with my partner for 2 years, we have shared a house for a year. I have three major issues with my relationship. The biggest problem is that financially he is a trainwreck. He forgets to pay his bills, he lets the mortgage go until they threaten foreclosure, which has been twice in the last year. His truck was just repossessed Saturday as he forgot to pay the bill. This behavior stresses me out completely. The next problem is that sometimes he can be SO selfish. I know women complain about men being selfish but does that make it okay? No. For example, I work 2 jobs and there are days when I am gone for 14 hours of the day. When I come home he is usally on the couch, the dogs haven't been fed (2 are his), and he immediately starts asking me to do things like can you make me dinner? or can you get me a drink? We have had many battles because of that behavior. The final issue is all mine, I take total credit...I miss my family. I am 3000 miles away from them, but I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am closest to my brother who has my niece Now, you are probably thinking why not just move back home and ditch the boyfriend right? Well, I am scared. I'm 35 years old and I want kids. My boyfriend has many great qualities that I feel in love with. He is kind, generous, very affectionate, loving and he includes me in everything he does. I think his problems are maturity related but I am not sure. The bottom line is, I am scared to make a decision because I am horrible at it and I have enough regrets already. This is SO confusing and depressing. How do I figure this out? What would be some good steps to come to a decision? Thank you for your help.
That train wreck is coming right at you and in no time there will be more than one casualty. The Yin: Unless there is a strong intention, your friend will not change who he is a self-centered and irresponsible person. The behaviors you describe do not make a fine, joyful partnership, and in fact, how you manage to live with this scene while working 14-hour days is a mystery to me. Your best self cannot survive in this current environment. Write down a list of what is missing and unavailable in your shared life with “Lazy Louie”. Then write down what you really do get on a daily basis. Maybe when you see the issues written down in black and white the courage to make an appropriate decision will occur. If your list is what you seem to believe it is, run do not walk to the nearest exit! The Yang: I would not call your mate’s personality “kind and generous”. If he were, then he would contribute to making dinner, feeding the dogs, and you would sit in a comfy chair while he brought you a drink. People who are generous of spirit act responsibly in making their life and those they love secure. The best news is that you didn’t bring children into this damaging life. There is time to blend your life with a good person who will appreciate your loving spirit, time to have children in an appropriate relationship. Being close to your family may give you the emotional support you need to make independent, joyful decisions. Wherever you are seek friends who care about you. Most communities have good counselors who work on a sliding fee scale to fit your financial needs. Discover all the resources and groups that promote well being and growth. There is still time for a happier life. Don’t give up! Best Wishes,
|