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Posted by R
on December 20, 2002 at 06:48:44:
Dr. Beverlee, I have been married for 10 years to a man I don't love. I never should have married him. I had only known him about 6 weeks to begin with and I was at point in my life where I really didn't want to be in a relationship where my heart was involved. I had been hurt very badly in the past. I had also just gone through a bitter custody battle. I had won but it was pretty traumatizing. In essence I just wanted the shelter of marriage to prevent that from happening again. I also wanted the financial security. I don't know what he wanted other than a maid and a nanny. He is the one who pushed for me to marry him right away. I now know why....because if I had waited, as I should have, I would have found out all of his lies. I felt guilty because of my motives so I struggled to make something out of it. A year after we were married we found out that his ex-wife was addicted to drugs and we took custody of his seven year old son. I have since raised him like my own and I love him very much. He has turned out to be a fine young man. The following year I gave birth to our first son and when he was seven months old we discovered he had Tuberous Sclerosis, a genetic neurological disorder. Until the last year, he has acted as if I should deal with everything...the hospital stays, seizures, truant officers harassing me because of missed school days, keeping up with medicine and dosages, doctor's visits, etc., without requiring any kind of emotional, physical, or psychological support from him. This is all just the tip of the iceberg. Everything is wrong with this marriage - financially, emotionally, and physically. I have not been able to work since my son was born. My husband works all the time but keeps us in so much debt that he couldn't afford to pay alimony or child support if I leave. I am looking for freelance work I can do at home but I doubt I can make a living at it. My disabled son is eight and my youngest is five. I have no where else to live. My eight year old gets medical assistance from the State as well as SSI but it's not enough to fully support him much less the rest of us. I desperately need dental work. He will buy "things" but harangues me if I need medical treatment of any kind. I have been on blood pressure medication since I married him and now am on Wellbutrin with it. Every time my prescriptions need to be filled he tells me that I don't need to be taking so much medicine and that it's costing a fortune even though we have insurance coverage for prescriptions with a co-pay. My teeth have gotten in such bad shape I now need about $8,000 worth of dental work to properly fix my mouth. His response to that is I could get dentures cheaper. I just turned forty, for heaven sake! I just finished my second semester at the local university. There's another point of contention. He doesn't want me to go to school. I have a 3.86 average. I should have a 4.0 but he has harassed me about how much time I spend on my studies so much that I slipped in one of my classes and missed an A by just a few points. My husband has problems. I have begged him for years to go to counseling and he's refused. The only time he's agreed is when I was on the verge of leaving and then he didn't follow through citing money problems. I have tried to see past them and work around them but I am weary. My blood pressure is constantly up, I am consistently under great stress about our financial situation and in general, and I am concerned about my own health since heart disease runs in my father's family (he had his first one at 40). I can't fix his problems, I no longer have the strength to fight him to keep our credit straight, and most of all I am terribly unhappy. I would rather not be with anyone than have to have sex with a man I am not in love with because he feels it's my duty. Until I started school he only wanted to have sex once every 3-6 weeks. For the first 7 or 8 years I tried to change that to perhaps develop an emotional bond between us but he was always "tired." Now he wants to have sex a couple times a week and I had already reached the point that I didn't want to have sex with him anymore. It's like being with a stranger or a relative or something. I do care about what happens to him and I don't want to hurt him in any way even though I have plenty of reasons to be angry if I chose to be. He works really hard at making me feel like I expect too much, that I should feel guilty and that he is the saint. I would like for us to have a good relationship for the sake of my children. But he is one who will do damage and then come back later and believe you have no reason to be hurt or angry. He is also volatile and he has slapped me and man handled me a few times. Not often but once was too much. I'm concerned he may hurt me if I try to leave, especially with the kids...and leaving without them is not an option. This is very convoluted and I don't know that you have the answers any more than I do. I really need to get out of here after the New Year. Is there any advice you can offer me? Dear Lost And Loveless: What makes sense when you live within a loveless marriage, a poor financial situation, deteriorating health, a lack of intimate connection between partners, and finally increasing anger leading to violence? Everything you hoped to gain in this marriage has badly unraveled and it does not offer you the goals of security and peace. The Yin: You are a bright woman and there is potential for a future career if you continue your college education. Don’t give up this chance for a better life. You may discover something you would love to do, something that gives you joy. When you state you can’t fix your husband’s problems, you are on the right path. You can only change your life, and that is the only control you have. You state,” … I have plenty of reasons to be angry if I chose to be.” Face it; you are angry and rightfully so because you are in an abusive relationship. Acting out your anger and running away can create more problems than are solved. So, sit down and create a plan. Think about all your options and write them down. Look at every aspect financial, children, work/study, living arrangements, support resources, etc. Once you have a clear picture, you can choose the best timing to move on, if that is truly what you want. The Yang: Partners do not have “ a good relationship for the sake of children.” They establish a life together based on trust, love, mutual goals, shared values, and a desire to do those things that add to their mate’s happiness. These appear non-existent in your relationship. If you both cannot agree in a caring and non-violent way to change the relationship, prepare to separate. Reach out for help in your community to do what is best for you and your children. Best Wishes,
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