I Cried A Lot

Date: 12/2002
From: K.M.
To: askdrbeverlee@selfdiscoveryofspirit.com

Hello,

A friend sent me your web address and I read a lot there. I feel compelled to ask your thoughts on my own personal situation.
I will try to be brief-but actually it is a lifetime of stressful situations that have culminated in the arrival of my SELF at this juncture.

Born 7-9-1949, a Cancer girl with a schizophrenic Mother and a coldly distant Father, I spent much of my childhood alone. My two sisters arrived 7 and 10 years after I was born, and they were sent to live with my Mother's sister in MA ( we were in MD at that time) and my Father's Mother, respectively - because Mom was in a Psychiatric ward having "shock treatments" after several nervous breakdowns.
I was a "latch-key" kid in an apartment complex from age 6-10 when we moved back to MA nearer my Mom & Dad's relatives.
Needless to say I had many VERY traumatic experiences due to my parents troubling and violent at-times relationship. I was "stabbed" by Mom once-with a pencil, and she used a hammer to smash my camera birthday gift (age 7) that my Dad gave me.

Enough-you get the picture? I cried a lot.

OK. At age 13 I was molested by my Father's younger brother. I told my Mom, who told my Dad, and they refused to believe me. I took Mom's prescription for schizophrenia-the whole bottle. Ended up at St. V's in Worcester getting stomach pumped out. The docs wanted me to have counseling, but Dad signed me out of the hospital. On the ride home he looked at me in the rear view mirror and said: " What goes on in our family is nobodies business. If you ever talk about this again, you will wish you hadn't." I did not for a very, very long time. I cried a lot.

Age 18- pregnant, got married and had 2 children in 2 years. My (now-ex for 22 years) husband was a spoiled, immature man and within 2 years we were separated and I was on Welfare. It was during this separation (it lasted 2 years-we got back together) that my son Matt, our 2nd child, was diagnosed with a serious genetic disease: first as Klippel-Trelawney-Webber Syndrome, next as Neurofibromatosis-elephant man disease, and finally-correctly as Mafucci's Syndrome combined with Ollier's Disease. This was so over-whelming to me that I agreed to re-unite with my husband. I soon found he was still seeing a girlfriend on the side, and the next 10 years of our marriage was sexless, loveless, and hopeless. It was wrong to re-unite due to a child's illness, but at the time I had no other means of support, and truly hoped to make our marriage work. I cried a lot.

After several moves to new homes and a move across country to CA, we separated again. I took my children back to MA and moved in with (horrors!!!!) Mom & Dad. Matthew, my son, went back to Boston Children's hospital where he had 10+ corrective surgeries to help repair benign (so far) tumors from his hands, and legs. Painful de-burring of bone and skin grafts was a nightmare for him and for me. Melissa my daughter was also affected by this a lot. School was torture for both of them, although Mel was very smart A student, Matt had reading and fundamental learning disabilities and also the torture of cruel taunts from kids about his "dis-figurement". Did I mention the abnormal growth of fingers to banana size? The left side of his head larger than the right with lumpy bony forehead growth? One leg longer than the other? I could go on... I cried a lot.

Divorced at age 31 started working and making a meager living, it was matt & I in an apartment, Mel had opted to stay with her Dad and the court upheld it. (One of the worst things I could envision was being without her.) At age 16, my ex signed her emancipation papers and she became a "Dead Head groupie" for the next 4-5 years. I found out because she called me from the airport to tell me her plans. I cried a lot.

During this absolutely painful time, I met a man at work, who was also unhappily married. He moved in with me and Matt as his divorce was being processed. Much different than my ex- he was actually more like my Father- as I have found during our now 21 years together. For the first 19 years child support for his one daughter took a major portion of his salary, and my job was crucial in supporting us 3. I did NOT get child support from my ex- after 4 times in court and much legal fees, I gave up trying to get blood from a stone, even though he made 230K a year with his own business. Over time my kids have both told me they now understand why I divorced, but at that time they blamed me. I cried a lot.

My 2nd marriage-a love/hate relationship has been very difficult. I have always worked and made more $ than he. My most recent employment as a Technical Writer has ended in this poor economy-I am collecting "disappointment" checks from MA DET: Barely enough to cover living expenses combined with my husbands income as an Electronics Technician at Bose Corp. I have only had 1 interview since 9-1-2002 when I was laid off at EMC. There are NO Tech Writing openings... And-I really do not want to do that any longer. High tech leaves me cold-and unfulfilled.

I am extremely creative -scored impressively high at Johnson-O'Connor's Institute in Boston, and classified as the "Dilemma of the Multi-Talented Woman", I am good at many many things, but lose interest once mastered. I do many many thing simultaneously-I.e. working now on an afghan, a quilt, recovering a chair, painting the living room, knitting socks, dieting & exercising in a MAJOR way, writing (trying for pub) children's books, watercolor painting (MY REAL - CURRENT at least- Love), and pondering how to begin to write the book I have had simmering inside for all my life. I need income, unfortunately, and must soon re-enter the job market - unemployment runs out in February. I am recently diagnosed as hypothyroid with fibromyalgia-which saps my energy big time. Two cervical disk surgeries 2 years ago have left my left hand and arm numb-currently trying to afford trigger point massage which has brought some relief, but alas! I cannot afford it with xmas here.

If you have some response to this long (sorry!) request for advice, I would really, really, appreciate it.

Regards, and thanks for "listening",

PS: Yes, I have HAD counseling-at least to the max my HMO plan will allow. I am not suicidal-just depressed.

Dear Cried-a-lot:

Just one experience in your 50-year life was enough to create terrible pain, but as you have written there have been many, many miseries contributing to what could be a sense of hopelessness and depression. That you have survived is a tribute to the heroic nature you possess. I want you to know I greatly admire your responses to all the pain. It is the miracle of your journey that others need to read because it will help them cope rather than feel despair.

You have been through a lot dealing with Matt's medical problems. To make sure of several points: Ollier disease appears as greater than normal growth of the cartilage in the long bones (legs and arms) so that growth is abnormal. The cortical bone (outer layer of the bone) becomes thin and fragile. These benign masses of cartilage tumors known as enchondromas are not usually malignant. In rare cases they may undergo malignant changes (e.g., chondrosarcomas). The cause of Ollier disease is not known. When the cartilage tumors of Ollier Disease are accompanied by substantial, most often benign, proliferation of blood vessels (hemangiomas), this grouping of symptoms is known as Maffucci Syndrome. Maffucci Syndrome is inherited as an autosomal dominant genetic trait.

There is an organization that might help you and Matt deal with his syndrome:
Ollier's/Maffucci's Self-Help Group
c/o Hermann Schmid
74 Aitchison Road
Binghamton, NY 13905
E-MAIL: hschmid@stny.rr.com

The Yin: You have raised a seriously compromised child. Returning to your destructive parents for help is understandable since your tasks then were overwhelming. I hope there is no guilt about this decision. The child raising part of your life is past and with their growing maturity a mutually supportive parent-child relationship is possible. Keep the communication with your children open and honest. No effort is more rewarding than that.

The Yang: You have a passion, which could bring you to greater joy and fulfillment in a career and that is watercolor painting. Have you thought about doing a children's book using your own imaginative watercolor illustrations? Since you want to write children's books, it would allow you to activate both passions - writing and painting. You are a renaissance woman and own it by doing the things that give meaning to your life.

You and your husband together can face the issue of current income. Within the job market are some short-term positions that will cover survival until you publish your written works. Obviously there is also a different book within your visionary spirit, perhaps related to all your life experiences, but I believe the passion for painting points to doing the children's book first.

I plan to send to you a special diet for your two diagnosed illnesses and a professional person, Bonnie Jortberg, will put this together soon. Food can dramatically change energy levels under many different circumstances.

Keep your spirit re-enchanted and joy will follow.

With best wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit