Changing Communication or Relationship

From: "L C”
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject: Very depressed.
Date: Mon, 12 May 2003

Dear Dr. Beverlee,
My husband and I have been together for almost 7 years. We have not had a real happy marriage but we manage to hold it together somehow. He is Hispanic so he has very strong ties to his family. His oldest brother is currently living with us. I really can't stand his brother as it puts a lot of stress on me to have him around. My husband always has been kind of an uptight person. He gets angry at the least little thing. Not violent but you can't talk to him. He won't let me talk for one. I never can tell him how I feel about anything or have a serious talk about how he makes me feel or what can we do to fix whatever the problem is. Lately, he's been acting funny, like very nervous, upset, like maybe he's hiding something or he doesn't want to be at home. He's been ignoring me badly lately not touching me, not at all loving like he has been in the past. I am wondering if he's having an affair or if he just wants out of our marriage. I don't have family except for 2 children from a first marriage-they don't live with us- so I have no one to ask -" what do I do? I feel that I can't confront him or ask him anything because he will get angry and will say I'm crazy and will not tell me what's going on. I'm tired of walking on eggshells because he's messing us up. This has happened before whatever this is, and it slowly settled and went away and he was fine. I don't know what to do as I'm on the verge of leaving him but my problem is I don't know where I'll go. I need some advice on how to talk to him because every thing that I have tried lately will not work. It's making me a nervous wreck. I can't sleep, I stress out and stress eat so I'm putting on pounds as well. If you can come up with any ideas PLEASE let me know. Thanks for listening,
L

Dear L:

There are several pieces to your marital puzzle. Issues need to be separated so that you can gain clarity and hopefully solve some problems. From your letter it appears that major differences of personalities exist, and the marital fit is, and was always, unhappy. Your husband is a non-communicator verbally, and at the same time expresses non-physical abusive anger freely. You say little about yourself, so I can only guess that you might be more outgoing and willing to communicate thoughts and feelings.

It is most important to be responsible for our own responses to life events no matter how stressful. We always have choices in dealing with another person. Falling apart both emotionally and physically is a poor choice.

The Yin: If you are serious about choosing to separate, your independent life needs to be in place. Do you have any support system? Can you work and take care of your financial needs? Where would you want to live? Are there any family connections to help you emotionally? Ask yourself what resources do you have to creatively build a new life, because only you will be responsible for the outcome. You may have hidden strengths you haven’t used. Finding them will change your life in a constructive, happier way, one small step at a time.

The Yang: If you remain in this marriage, change must occur. Trying to read someone’s mind is dangerous and unfulfilling. Arrange an appointment to meet and talk in privacy but do it in a “safe place”. Set a ground rule that each of you will speak without interruption and, after each speaks, each of you will repeat what you believe you heard. Thus each of you will be able to find out if what was heard was what was said. Listening is the key. Then, each can respond.

Your husband may refuse your request, and, it is your right to set a consequence. Tell him the current situation is not working, and cannot continue. You can tell him you love him (if that is the case) but change is necessary. Both partners can usually make choices to attend to a mate’s needs, but only to a point. If the personality fit is too far off, then compromise is difficult. Only you can decide if there is enough in common to build a better life together. Both partners must commit to the marriage.

Please write again if you need more help
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com