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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on May 21, 2003 at 17:33:41:
Ask Dr. Beverlee
Date: 4/28/2003
From: ma
To: askdrbeverlee@selfdiscoveryofspirit.com Dr. Beverlee,
I have been married since I was 18 for a total of 26 years. My husband and I have a 24 year old daughter and 2 sons ages 19 and 15. I have never been in love with my husband nor have we ever had anything in common except our backgrounds and children. Being too young to know what love even was at age 18 but rather focusing on getting away from critical parents. Husband has always been financially supportive, honest.... But never supportive of me. He is emotionally shut down, socially shut down, and driven by work alone. I tried many time to make things right with us, but he wouldn't open up. I raised all children alone and took care of the home. I finally met a man a year ago that makes me feel like I have never felt before. I did not know it was even possible to feel this way. I spent about 6 months exploring that relationship and broke it off due to guilt. My husband was so distraught over my leaving that he has done an about face. Now he is Mr. Perfect Husband, Father, emotionally open to anything. Only problem is he cries constantly. Anyway my question is I love him like I love my brother, have a very hard time hurting him, but I feel no attraction what so ever towards him and never have. This other man I wonder is it true love. The chemistry is so strong. Do I stay with a man who was never there for me and sexually I am not attracted to for any reason or do I run to this man who does so much for me. Please help, I feel so lost as to the true meaning of love.
Dear M:
You are asking an age-old question about the meaning of love. That is probably answered individually by all who have loved and been loved. The choices are always complex and can satisfy your life, and your life only.
The marriage you describe was and is loveless, lacks common interests, needs, and perhaps values, etc. Now that your children are essentially grown you are able to ask, “Is this all there is or do I deserve a fuller, richer life?” The Yin: Your marital commitment at age 18 to live without emotional nourishment or support created a huge void for you. Now your husband wants to fill it and make up for lost years with you and his family. He will need to be responsible for his own actions both past and present. If he is crying because he is depressed, it is important that he get help and find his independent self, one more balanced than he was during past years. He has much work to do! You are attached to your husband, accustomed to his face but would you want to continue the marriage even if no other man existed? Would you accept a life and a love relationship based upon companionship not intimacy? Are you willing to wait to see if he can make the changes he is promising? Once you answer the questions about the marriage, you can focus on the new relationship. Your husband and the other man are best left as separate issues, or you will continue to feel guilty (which is a wasted emotion). The Yang: Critical parents create a child and adult atmosphere of not being enough and not deserving good things. Look carefully at the new relationship and become aware of its true gifts. Does it provide much of what you want in all aspects of life? Passion and chemistry can fade over time. So, much more is needed to sustain love. You are entitled to a full life. If this relationship can create a richer, deeper, more joyous self then slowly develop the journey you want with the other partner.
Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com
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