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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on July 23, 2003 at 15:57:27:
Subject: RE: Advise
Date: July 2003
From: "LV"
To: "Dr. Beverlee"
Hello Beverly,I am very confused here. My gf tells me that she loves me and she has made changes to prove she wants to be with me. She is not seeing her ex gf one on one, she is no longer talking to her when I am not around, she has asked her to call when I am at the house. I have confronted her ex gf about her intentions here and she has said she does not want to be with my gf in any way, she has her own gf. She wants to show her daughter that ex's can be friends and still show love. Now that I have confronted her about the issues I have, the cards she writes, the phones calls, etc. She will not step in the house if I am there to drop her daughter off. To me this has now become a game. I still feel hurt and get upset when she calls. My heart races, I remember the lies told to me and I also remember another thing my ex's gf told me in the conversation, she said I do not know why she is lying to you, I was with her for 6 years and she never once lied to me or has done anything behind my back. I asked my gf why she has lied to me, she said she does not know. She has never lied to any of her gf's. I am the total opposite of her gf's. They were selfish, and never lifted a finger, my gf did everything for them. Here in our relationship, I do everything for her, from grocery shopping, cooking, cards, etc. Is it just me, am I so wrong to feel hurt for being treated like my feelings did not matter? Is it normal for me to be angry when her ex calls, for my blood to boil and my heart race just at the mention of her name. Especially when my gf is now being honest, is not doing things behind my back, what is wrong with me now, why do I get so hurt?
Dear L:
There may be a connection between your girlfriend needing to lie and your feelings of insecurity as well as having severe reactions to the ex’s name. If we have a good confident sense of self, knowledge and acceptance of who we are, we enter relationships differently. We are able to communicate our feelings and needs without over reacting. We solve problems without creating world war three. Our life is in better balance. L, it is not a matter of right or wrong when you have angry feelings. But if you are over reacting, you need help to gain self-esteem. There are classes, groups, books in the library and stores, and counseling opportunities to make changes, which promote a better life and richer relationships. I encourage you to do this. Your girlfriend, knowing how you react to things, may be trying to prevent the fight by lying, or more accurately, avoiding telling you the truth because of the “expected” reaction from you. Her response to you also needs to change. The interaction of relationships gives us an opportunity to change and grow. If not, we will repeat the same patterns again and again. Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com
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