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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on August 27, 2003 at 12:30:31:
Subj:Urgent question about suicide risk Dear Dr Beverlee, My nature is very positive, and I enjoy life, but for some time my life is on some kind of cross with a huge delay. For three years, I am in a relationship with a man who has a suicidal family background. At the beginning of our relationship (I was 22) I have not considered that we would stay together that long, he was just one of the relationships for me. He moved to my place (and still lives here) because he cannot live in his apartment since he has no job to support himself (I know that it sounds stupid, but when I met him, he was still on his studies and I could not predict that he would not be able to find a job). Even unemployed and supported by me, he does not want to do any job because he has a University degree, and says that he would fall into depression working some miserable job). He is 30, very nice and caring to me, but my life is so hard for some time… His father and aunt committed suicide, and he broke up the ties with his mother who remarried and kicked him out of home, and never calls. We get along very nice on a daily basis but I know deep down that I should not consider marrying him because of this family history. This is like an obsession to me – I do not want knowingly to pass this inheritance to my children! He is sometimes depressive, and most of the time without initiative in life. In addition, our sexual life is a disaster for some time because it looks like this inner voice is telling my brain to reject him (and I suffer very much because I am, normally, a very sexual person). We are stuck together and my time is passing…It looks to me that he has a bad “karma” and positive things just always happen to pass him by. I feel him draining my energy and when I draw a line – the base of our relationship comes on my efforts in trying to fix his ENDLESS problems and troubles. On the other hand, he is an honest man with other qualities and I know that if he did not have that morbid family history, his life would be different and I would marry him and really love him. Anyway, I want to leave him, I know that I should, but the trick is that I can’t, until his financial situation improves. My question is: I really need someone to show me a light on one of the paths because I feel that I really need to move on in some direction… Thank you! Dear Hooked On a Depressive Relationship: Each of us is in the dark and must turn on our own light. You are not responsible for any other life and you have been your boyfriend’s caretaker for much too long a time. You do not owe him your home, your income, your energy, your life, or your self. It is not too late to move on. Tell him it is time for him to find his own work and life. Only he can solve his financial problems that he uses as a crutch to make you his total support system. Having a University degree does not stop one from driving a cab, waiting on tables, flipping hamburgers while a job “commensurate with his education” comes along. The Yin: Who is the hurt one in this depressive daily life? Answer is both of you! Your decision to stay in the relationship has not benefited him or changed his life, and it certainly has been destructive to you. Sit down with him and set a timetable of one week to change his living arrangements. He must solve the where and how by himself. If you continue as you are, the hurt and damage are greater by far than his leaving. The Yang: We are all products of our inherited traits, the family genes, and the environment in which we grow up. Depression and suicidal history are considered both biological and environmental in nature. It is not important for you to distinguish how each has afflicted your boyfriend’s life. His behavior and decision making ability are destructive to a productive, joyful life with you or anyone. It is inappropriate for either of you to use his “family history of suicide” to stay in this relationship. Believe in yourself; love yourself enough to create, once again, a positive road to personal growth and happiness. Go for it now! Best Wishes, Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
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