Life After 45 Year Marriage

From:T
Date:Sep 2003
Subject:46 Years and Suddenly!
To:askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

Dear Dr. Beverlee:After 46 years of marriage, we seem to be drifting apart in our interests. My wife is happy spending her time reading and socializing with our fiends. She is physically well, however, she has no interest in activities that would take her out of the house. She is well educated and mixes well in all of our relationships with others. We frequently talk of taking cruises or escorted tours but nothing seems to materialize. Once a year we do spend two or three weeks vacationing with another couple in Florida.After retiring, I have continued a busy schedule by becoming an active volunteer in several organizations. These worthy services occupy four to five mornings of the week. The groups that I work with essentially provide charitable benefits to the people of our community. This part of my life is highly rewarding and gives me a feeling of worthiness. The balance of my time is generally spent at home where I gladly share in many of the domestic duties. Our sex life is virtually nonexistent and has been that way for several years. Neither of us comments on the fact, but I'm sure it bothers her as much as it does me. A great deal of the problem relates to my loss of sexual ability after a cancer episode in 1995. The desire continues, however, the body does not comply. This has resulted in a feeling of uselessness on my part and disinterest on the part of my wife.Without mutual interests to keep us focused, and a lack of physical intimacy, we no longer function as partners in a marriage, but rather two people sharing the same house. We do not argue a great deal, but seem to always be picking at one-another. Things that in the past were insignificant now seem to be magnified out of proportion. This is causing a great deal of stress on my part. Thought of separation and divorce has entered my mind recently.We have an appointment with a Marriage Councilor who we hope can give us some help. Can you give us some semblance of what our encounter may be like? Are there certain questions that me should ask that may help us focus on our problems? Do you have any other advise?Thank you,Terribly Anxious

Dear T and Spouse:

All long-term marriages experience many changes, transitions, adaptations, and varying degrees of failed effort. What makes a difference between success and failure in my perspective are two simple but important facts: a decision and desire on the part of both partners to maintain the marriage, and secondly an ability to adapt one’s own behavior to help the mate feel happier. When relationships fall apart both of these essential things are missing.

Each of you appears to have separate lives that are working. But you question the lack of acting on mutual goals (no travel cruise, etc) and you worry about diminished intimacy and sexuality.

The Yin: Can you both make a decision to create a happier life together? I suggest that each of you sit down and write what you need and want now in this 46-year-old marriage. Have no fear of sharing fantasy as well as reality because there are times when our dreams do become reality. Share your written lists with each other and then talk about what each is willing to do to create a different life. Accept all items as important, worthy of each other’s attention. Ask the question, “What is possible and what is not; in fact, is there a capacity to change patterns?” Couples always have some interests that are independent ones and others which are mutually shared. Two strong colors, red and blue – which represent each of you - are not always mixed together to become purple. It is OK to pursue independent interests. The blue plays golf, the red doesn’t. What could be a mutual goal and joy? In 46 years there must have been some. Can you and your wife refresh what is past pleasure and more importantly, discover new interests awaiting your attention?

The Yang: Intimacy is taking a risk with another being by sharing oneself in small ways; a hug, holding a hand, a touch on a shoulder, a smile, a card, a flower, a special night out, etc. Intimacy is possible only after you both decide you want this marriage. Concerning sexuality, you and your wife can be helped by a competent counselor to achieve variations in your sexual life that will satisfy each other’s needs. One book I recommend is Lonnie Barbach’s For Each Other. Select carefully a highly competent counselor who is comfortable with marriage counseling and has expertise in sexual issues. Bad counseling is worse than no counseling. Check with a trusted physician for recommendations and choose someone who you feel is qualified. Both of you need to be comfortable with the counselor.

Your letter was a fine beginning to gain insight and help. Feel free to write again. You have my best wishes for a successful outcome whatever road you each travel.

Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com