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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on November 23, 2003 at 19:17:28:
Date: Nov 2003
From: "A B
Subject: Help
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Dear Dr. Beverlee,I have been dating my boyfriend for over 5 years now. We have never lived together (nor do we live close to each other). Because of our distance, mainly see each other on weekends and maybe one day throughout the week. He has had a close relationship with his neighbor of the opposite sex for about four years now. He has always been very evasive with me with respect to his friendship with this woman. He never tells me what they discuss, when they hang out, what they do, etc. The only way I can get information out of him regarding their relationship is to ask him direct questions. Sometimes he will answer my questions, other times he gets very defensive because he feels as though I am interrogating him. He claims they are nothing more than just good friends. Recently, I've noticed that he has been lying to me about how often they talk, email and hang out with each other. Naturally, this puts suspicions of infidelity into my head, though I've never caught him cheating on me. I feel as though his evasiveness and misleading information has really damaged my trust in him. He tells me that he doesn't share their encounters with me because he doesn't want me to get upset with him. We've had several discussions about how their relationship/friendship has made me feel uncomfortable. He reassures me that their relationship is not sexual and that I am the only one he is sexual with. My insecurity with this situation has given me many of sleepless nights and dreams of him cheating. How can we resolve this problem and how can I regain my trust in him? Please help! Sincerely,Sleepless in NYC
Dear Sleepless in NY:
You have a larger problem that trust. Let me suggest a different perspective to your 5-year relationship. Ask yourself, “Why you have accepted for such a long period of time an arrangement that has not been growing in depth and emotional commitment?” Neither of you has chosen to close the distance by being together or marrying. If you want more than this, then only you can act on appropriate goals. If living emotionally and spatially apart suits you, then accept the right of your boyfriend to choose whatever lifestyle suits him, be it another relationship or not. The Yin: Your boyfriend has a “Captain’s Paradise”, 2 women in different ports who fulfill his needs (check out the movie Captain’s Paradise” with Alec Guinness). Whether he is sexual or not is somewhat irrelevant because he divides his spiritual and physical energy between both of you and she seems to get almost equal time. A priority for him is obviously his own comfort level or he would have changed the arrangement long ago. If you remain the lady in the distant town, you will stay “sleepless” forever. The Yang: “Sleepless”, you may be insecure, but go beyond this situation. Look at your life. What do you want? How confident are you that you can gain your goals and dreams? If the answer is you don’t know what you want, or cannot achieve your future dreams then get some serious counseling, individual or group therapy. You deserve a man who responds to your needs and can give his primary relationship energy, spirit, mind, and body to one woman. It’s been, far too long a time, to be commuting for love. Feel free to write again,
Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com
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