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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on November 23, 2003 at 19:19:50:
Dear Dr.Beverlee: I am a 16-year-old girl and am currently going out with a 17-year-old-boy and I have been for nine months. I really LOVE him but I have recently found out that I have to move away to a different country. I asked him if he could come with me and he said that he has to think about it because he has doubts in his head that "what if we split up, I'll have nowhere to go" and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to leave my family and I don’t want to leave him either. How can I get him to consider coming with me without having that doubt in his head. I really need your help PLEASE. RegardsT Dear T: How fortunate that you have so much ahead of you, so much time to learn, to experience, and to find joy in relationships. Love is only one of the sweetest experiences in our life. Your family represents love, security, and safety to you and cannot be the same for your 17-year-old boyfriend. His doubts are real because he does not have anyway to see the future. Nor do you. Many things can happen, and do happen, that change peoples lives. No one can predict these events. You, at age 16, cannot take responsibility for another person’s well-being or happiness. The Yin: Imagine yourself changing as you get older. Think of yourself in 3 years. What does your life look like? Who are the people in it? What goals do you have? Now think of your boyfriend and imagine him as a person very different from you. Life together now seems a very wrong choice. I ask you to do this because I have counseled many young couples who met too young and grew apart in a most painful way. Their dreams became damaged and they now search for ways to heal serious wounds. Sometimes they bring a child along the way. But that is a sad story. The Yang: Accept his fears about moving to another country. Encourage him to write, call and visit you in the future. If you are meant to be together, time will help you develop an adult responsible relationship. You can each individually work toward that goal. Being able to support one self is a key to a successful, happy life without strings attached. Each of you must take the self-supporting journey in whatever time and place are best. After you are settled in the new country, and when he visits, he may find that he can move there to study, or work so that he will have his goals met as well as being near you. Best Wishes,
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