Lost Libido

From: "S W"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:no libido
Date: Dec 2003

I am a 52-year-old woman in a relationship with a 35-year-old man. Although the age difference is large, that isn’t the problem. Actually, we’re more in synch time wise than the numbers would reveal. We are compatible in many ways, but not sexually. I basically have no libido --- ever. In trying to accommodate him, we have negotiated from me being completely non-participatory to me actively participating in sex, although I am not motivated. He’d like me to go the extra step toward being the initiator, but I’ve told him I can’t initiate what I don’t feel, and he’ll have to be the initiator. He thinks I’m severely abnormal when I tell I might be personally motivated to initiate sex perhaps once or twice a year. I maintain this is not as abnormal as one might think, given the extreme dysfunctionality of our world and society at this time. Which one of us is correct? By the way, I used to have something like more “normal” libido, but I think many years of being alone, interspersed with having periodic sexual encounters with lovers whom I found to be very exciting (and with whom I have had no problem in being the initiator), but who fell far from the mark of ever becoming fully fleshed out three dimensional figures in my life have kind of left me more interested in developing other aspects of myself. All this by way of providing more background information for you to work with. Thanks in advance.

Dear S:

Bravo for developing the other aspects of a self-respecting, interesting woman. Human beings, male or female, go through different stages or phases of sexual desire. And strangely enough recent studies suggest that younger people – ages 30 to 50 – are less interested in sex than a decade ago. Many writers suggest that working women with families experience enough stress and fatigue to diminish or deplete their libido. The same is written about men. One of the most difficult sexual issues for couples is the discrepancy in desire and the resulting lack of initiating sex. Both men and women (regardless of age) express unhappiness about their mate’s inability to desire sex as much or as little as they do themselves. What to do about your sexual dilemma?

The Yin: Forget the age difference. If you wish to change your level of desire, there are many excellent books to purchase that not only detail the problem areas, but also suggest ways to improve sexual life. These refer to both physical, medical, emotional, and thinking aspects of the problem. There are NO SEXUAL NORMS and most so-called abnormality is a myth. Sex is a do it yourself program and couples vary as much in their sex life as they do in eating habits. Lack of initiation of sex is not abnormal behavior. Being a child sexual predator is!

The Yang: Every couple that is successful in a relationship will make compromises and adaptations to please the mate. They want to contribute to the other’s well-being and joy, and so they create an atmosphere of generous compromise. If you both are able to accomplish this, then the differences – which will always exist on many levels – become unimportant. If you or he cannot accept the differences, then move on to a better fit. Some male patients of mine have had nightly headaches (no sex!). I think you get the picture.

Feel free to write again,
Best Wishes,
Dr. Beverlee
Author, The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com or my email address: beverleesee4ever@aol.com