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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on January 25, 2004 at 16:48:44:
From: "m p" Dear Dr Beverlee, My wife and I have had problems for years mainly concerning my family, she just does not seem to get along with most of them. It makes for a very uncomfortable life style. We have been married for 16years and have two children aged 9 and 7. We have tried there is no doubt about it but there is always conflict about the same issues. I don’t love her anymore and I can’t get turned on by her sexual advances because I just cant be close to her, I don’t even sleep in the same room because I do not want to be touched. This is not all her fault, she has some good qualities and is a good mother, she would like the marriage to continue but I feel im just there now for the children. I have met someone else and have fallen in love with a wonderful woman, im not saying the grass is greener else where, all couples have issues to resolve at times but I feel great and relaxed with my new found soul mate. Do I stay with my marriage or do I move on with my new love? The children are my only concern, yes they adapt to change but it’s important that the biological father remains actively involved and I am scared for them as I love them both very much. Please help, I cant seem to make a decision, I have been contemplating this for 12 months. Desperate Procrastinator. When we leave major issues unresolved, the damage over time becomes irreparable. You are dealing with the death, or dying, of your marriage. A sad story has been written for your family, sad especially since the old issues could have been negotiated during the 16 years you both have lived together and raised two children. Blending partners and their families always requires work and many adaptations. When I counsel people who are preparing to marry, I mention that several people are in the room with us - parents, grandparents, extended family members, friends, etc. - all with their ability to greatly influence our emotions, thinking, and behavior. It may not be too late to repair the damage in your present marriage, but take the time to understand what part you play in this movie. Any new relationship will be deeply affected by all that went before, including the nine and seven-year-old children. The Yin: The timing of your new relationship muddies the water because you have not brought closure to your marriage. If you seek marital counseling, you may be able to sort out the issues and to either mediate a kinder divorce, or repair and regain trust in your current marital partnership. Guilt will be a constant companion under the present circumstances of maintaining a marriage and an affair. So take a time out and get help resolving all the issues. What has fallen apart is the responsibility of both partners in this marriage. The Yang: Marriage in name only for “the sake of children” is not healthy nor a good model for the future development of your children growing into adulthood. If you divorce, the children’s lives will change and your relationship with them will also undergo many transformations. You will need to find ways to keep a close parental attachment, both loving and attentive, to their needs. Since they have a “good mother” they will maintain loyalty to her which will make acceptance of another woman difficult. So there are always complications that divorced parents deal with, sometimes effectively and often very poorly. The outcome is in the hands of all the players in your movie. Counseling help will give all of you a better chance for a successful outcome whatever life you choose. Feel free to write again. |