Having Poor Relationship/No Self Esteem

Date: Feb 2004
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject: Hello Dr. Bev
From: ebs

It's my first time here and think maybe it be a good idea to share home of my embarrassing private details with you and see if your advice you can give to me.

I've been with my so-called no good fiancee for four years now and I'm here in the hospital waiting to delivery my first child .I'm unable to carry a baby due to a certain problem consisting of the weight factor, so this will be my only child. I thank God for this. The problem is that I already know he's a no good and I don't want to marry him. The position I\'ve been in is that I don’t have legal status in this country and having a baby on the way with all my overbearing problems have made me so very depressed and lose weight. I come from a very respected and
decent family. I\'m a very ambitious and hardworking person who isn’t fussy and always be more caring for others than myself. I grew up always relying on myself and seeking God. And I know that this life isn’t for me and I need help desperately cus now I have a baby. I have a friend who has just talked with me about getting married and helping with my baby because I wanna move out from living with that bastard and gain back my peace of mind and control of my life. The thing is that I know about the naturalization process and I\'m unsure if and how fast things will
begin ,that I could start working and how long getting the green card would take? But, the other problem is that this friend of mine has a minor record, he told me when I had questioned him if he had any .And I worry whether or not it would work if I marry him? Keep in mind that I\'m
totally not ready for any relationship and no sex cus I need time to heal, which my friend says he knows and understands. But, i still wonder if this be a good thing to do? I\'m so very depressed. I just don’t know what to do and already so many times people hurt me and take me for granted. I'm so unhappy and feels there\'s no hope for me but, I still try to maintain a calm spirit and have faith that God will find a way through someone to help me. I just need a start, and a little support. I've never looked to anyone for anything and have depended upon myself. Please feel free to ask me all the necessary questions and I hope that all this that I've told you stays with you alone. I could never deal with another problem. Because that might be the end of me. I just want to do
what\'s best for my little one. Please please give me your advice Dr.Bev. I would so appreciate it. Thank you.

T

Dear T:

Being with a “no-good-guy” for 4 years, and having the “no-good-guy’s baby” creating a “no-good-guy” father for your child is a sad if not ultimately tragic story. What this tells you in large letters is that YOUR SENSE OF SELF WORTH IS GONE or, in fact may have been a missing part of you for many, many years.

Waiting for God to help you is not an answer ( God is very busy these days.), since you will always need to be responsible for your life and that of your child. You, and only you, can make a difference in the outcome. So T, its time to reach inside yourself for your best resources, values, choices, and all those things that create the person you know you can be. And, of course, you will also search outside yourself in the community for the support to accomplish your goals in your current life.

The Yin: I agree with the decision to not marry the no-good-guy. Also please question the wisdom of another dependent relationship which would be marriage to your friend who has a record. He may think he can rescue you, but it will take you time and energy to heal all the wounds you discuss. A baby will use up another large chunk of energy. Begin at the best place to gain self worth. See what is available in your city and from your family or friends to establish a modest place to live with the new baby. Find any work which is accomplished at home. Solving the most basic needs first is all you can do. Past decisions over a long period of time have been destructive, but one step at a time will allow you to make better choices. One small step is to find out (on the internet, lawyer, etc) how to gain a green card. Each small step makes us stronger and brings back faith in who we are, who we want to be. Once you pick your head up you will find solutions to each problem.. Look at one thing at a time. If we look at the whole mountain of problems facing us it is frightening and defeating. So we start up the side path one small step and then another. Each gives us the satisfaction we accomplished something and thus the strength for the next step.

The Yang: Being taken for granted and stepped on happens when you do not like yourself and do not believe you are loved “just the way you are”. When you change your own belief and self worth, others will treat you differently. Then if someone doesn’t respect you, you will be the first to leave them behind in the dust.

My best wishes,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com