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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 08, 2004 at 14:45:18:
Dear Dr. Beverlee
Date: 2/2004
From: s
To: beverleesee4ever@aol.com I am married for 8 yrs. to a great man. I have a brother and sister in law. She has not liked me from the start. When my brother gives me attention she puts her coffee mug down with a crash. At my bithday party mom gave me beautiful earrings that were hers. Sister in law gave me dirty looks, and my brother did too,(he's trying to appease her?) This is the grudge and resentments. My brother says I am the spoiled child, and the favorite child. Don't know were he gets this. He had got much love and opportunities from my parents, more than most. My husband says to stay away from them, they are just trying to tear you down. My friends dont treat me this way. I should'nt have to put up with this, and will not.
Thanks for your help,
K S Dear K:
Family jealousy and sibling rivalry is as old as biblical times. Your brother has created the family rivalry and your sister-in-law is carrying out your brother's feelings. In my book, "The Day The Music Stopped", I devoted a chapter to Family Relationships and another chapter to Boundaries. You cannot convince your brother that he is loved by his parents or even that they have been generous to him. Something in the family dynamics happened early on to create his feeling of being a second class citizen within the family.
The Yin: When encounters with family members continually destroy your peace of mind and joy, it is necessary to create a boundary between you and them. What does that mean? You have a decision to make about the space you want. There are several possibilities:
• you could decide not to be in their presence at any time. That separation could cause more pain in the sense that a family is split in two. Members may take sides. What happens at holidays, birthdays, etc? Being totally cut off can affect the other family relationships and your parents feelings as well.
• perhaps an easier distance is to eliminate all visits except the main family events and holidays.
Only you can choose what distance will work best.
The Yang: It is not clear whether you have had a meeting with your brother alone to open up a dialogue. If you wish, you can meet and ask questions without expressing your own anger at the start. Ask your brother if he wants to talk about the tension, anger, or difficulties he encounters being with you. It is important to not interrupt him and to let him have full reign of his feelings and information. When he is done, you can respond, calmly, with your own observations and feeling while he listens. Those are the ground rules! Then you ask him what would need to happen for your visits to change. If his answer seems possible and reasonable you both can proceed by trying a visit with all 4 of you. Sometimes small things create a difference in relationships. I believe if your brother relates well to you, your sister-in-law will behave differently. He will monitor that spousal behavior himself.
All said and done, if nothing changes, then boundaries MUST be acted upon, choosing an option least painful to you. None of your choices will be without some pain. During my private practice some patients were totally removed from their families and, without exception, it did not eliminate the pain. We always have a wish for the "Leave It To Beaver" loving and understanding family. This is a wondrous fantasy.
Feel free to write again,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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