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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 22, 2004 at 15:55:44:
Date: Mar 2004
From: "B R"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
My husband & I have been together for 8 yrs & married 6 of them. We are a blended family of 9 children. I had never been happier with anyone until last spring when a co-worker told me she used to work with him. Then when I asked her when the last time was that she saw him, she said " About a week ago when he stopped by my house, but until last fall, I haden't seen him in seven years." I was devastated. I had never heard of this person, & he & I talk about everything. When I asked him about it, his response was "Not me, she's got me mixed up with someone else." I accepted this, because he had never given me reason to doubt him. Then when I picked up the phone to call her & confront her with her lie, he said, yes he had been over at her house a week before & had been there once in the fall. He said he didn't tell me because he thought I wouldn't understand him visiting with a single female friend. When he knew we would be working together, he went there to ask her not to tell me because it would hurt me. I accepted this also. Then I found out that he had been to her house several times in the fall & had gone on motorcycle rides together, even one state away to buy me cigarettes. She didn't know he was married at this point. She went to give him a kiss goodbye, & he said he turned his cheek. He went back the next day & told her he was married. He still insists that she is just a friend. I asked him if she was just a friend , why couldn't he introduce us. He said he quit going over to her house when she was thinking of more than a friendship. She is insisting that there was an affair, but he did call it off. I have asked him on several occasions to go with me to talk with her & clear this up. He refuses & says that I would just believe her over him. I have suffered anxiet attacks over this, & while a year later we are still together & getting along fine, I find myself still questioning. I love him & would forgive most anything, but I find myself just not saying anything to avoid an argument. I have always had a gift for hunches & getting the truth out of people, but this is eating at me. I can't work on my marriage until I know the truth.
Dear B R:
What I say will probably shock you. It is irrelevant whether your husband had an affair, or a past affair, or an emotionally involved friendship. What is important is your relationship with him and the children you have blended. The quality of your love and your relationship is the only thing that makes a difference in the future of this marriage and family. It is not easy to blend your two families with 9 children. If that is a successful merger then you are to be greatly congratulated because many second marriages are destroyed by the conflicting relationships of several children, spouses, and ex-spouses. Rubber bands do not always stretch to include all children within a family both fairly and lovingly. The Yin: Your husband lied to you most likely because he felt guilt and shame. He made a foolish, misguided effort to protect the marriage. If the co-worker was important to him your current life would likely include a next divorce. Accept the fact that he loves you and chooses to commit himself to you. Forgive the indiscretion and move on emotionally or you will risk grave damage to yourself and to nine children dependent upon you and your husband. Work on your marriage now and give up the irrelevant so called “truth”. It is not worth the price of a newspaper. The Yang: People search for something when their life is missing an important aspect. What would be beneficial to both of you is to explore together any trouble spots within the marriage and family. Take a night out and talk about the following things:
1. What attracted you to each other at the beginning?
2. What do you respect and admire about each other?
3. Has anything changed in a negative direction?
4. What can each of you do to improve the relationship?
5. Make a plan to have adult time together every month, including doing those things that give you both joy.
6. Make sure that each of you has the freedom to do something appropriate and fun without censure or criticism. Most of us need time for our own interests. A final word to both of you. The co-worker is not an appropriate friend for either of you. Find new friends! Please share my letter with your husband. Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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