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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 22, 2004 at 16:02:39:
Subject: RE: CONFUSED I have been married now for almost 5 years. We met through friends and went dancing quite a lot in the beginning, going out, etc. We basically “clicked” instantly and had the same points of view, even today, basically share the same background,etc. He is a good guy, i.e. hardworking type, does not go drinking with his buddies, always at home, etc. But unfortunately during the last three years the following problems have arise:- (We are both working and are both contributing to our daily expenses). * He constantly changes jobs - had like 10 jobs in 8 years; * Does not make an effort to pay his accounts on time - bought an expensive double cab vehicle without my concern, battling to pay instalments; * Apply for credit without my concern - using false/incorrect information on the application, so that they don’t contact me for reference; * We bought a house together, but he doesn’t seem to make an effort in assist fixing it or doing general repairs unless I really insist in it - I have made an effort from my side in making the inside of the house respectable; * We have encounter a fertility problem after almost 3 years of our marriage. I have not been on birth-control, due to migraine problems so we used condoms instead. After two years of marriage I have become concerned that I am not falling pregnant. I have been through quite a roller-coast ride of emotions, as I have blamed myself for the problem and obviously found fault with myself. Being emotional upset he did not take the problem seriously and said “don’t worry, our time will come”. After me having numerous emotional flings he agreed to go for tests and it came out that the problem lies with him. After another fall-out he agreed to go and address the problems, and went for injections, which up and till now he have not followed up on. * Despite the fertility problem, I have tried to carry on and to not think of it so often, i.e. started running; cycling and going dancing; * Adding to that I must say that he does not make an effort in “taking me out” or trying to enjoy the above mentioned things with me (accept cycling). If he is in a conversation of people that he does not like or does not feel like being there, he gives everyone like a cold shoulder. So yes, my past three years has been a roller coaster of emotions, because deep inside me I want to spend the rest of my life with him and do want to make it work but it feels like I come to a dead-end every time. I am tired of being a “house-mate” and when I address my problems to him, he says that it is only my point of view and he does not see it like that. My love for him is also growing fewer and our sex-life is not up to standard. In a way I feel like maybe it is better to get a divorce and start all over again with someone who could be a partner to me. Please advise Dear S: The changes in your husband’s behavior appear quite dramatic. You describe both irresponsible behavior and deceit which may have criminal implications (giving false information to obtain credit). Bringing a child into your current life may be the last thing you would want to do. A positive note in your e-mail is the activity you are doing to remain healthy and emotionally stable. Bravo to you for taking care of yourself during a most stressful time. The Yin: Your husband is not acting in a way which demonstrates a responsible partnership or personal integrity. He is living dishonest chaos and he needs to acknowledge his damaging life style. Confront the issues with him in a kind way and let him know that counseling is absolutely necessary as the marriage is failing. It will be helpful for you to have a mediator and counselor guide since he does not respect your appropriate concerns. A competent counselor, without taking sides, can direct both of you to solving the puzzles of what has occurred and damaged his life and your marriage. People change dramatically for a reason. The Yang: There is an unusual part to your story and relationship. That is, you “blame” yourself and I wonder why given the facts you present. Your spouse has taken no responsibility and makes decision that create stress for both partners. So, something is amiss. Sue, only you and your spouse can sort out what changed a promising, compatible marriage. Some of the things you describe suggest your husband is depressed and attempts to make himself feel better by acquiring things, changing jobs, etc. Getting counseling will also be valuable in determining what is the current reality, not who is at fault, and what solutions are available to both of you. Before seeking divorce, seek understanding. Problems are not always what appears on the surface. Feel free to write again. |