Sexuality, Shyness and Trouble

From: "s"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject: marriage problem
Date: Mar 2004

hello Beverlee

I am married 4 years .I noticed when I went out with my husband that he is a shy person
and does not know how to show his failings. I thought that after getting married he
will open up and act like a husband does.the problem is , that we only do sex 1 or 2 times a month which sounds strange not becauseI want it but because he doesn’t demand it from me. this has been going on for 4 years and causes a lot of problems in our marriage cause there is no love involved. I feel like he’s got a problem and would like very much to help hem . my husband is a very good guy and is not the type who will sleep with other people but there is other ways to feel the orgasm except not with me.please try to help me to understand and see if its me with the problem , hem with the problemor does it sound normal.

thank you
r

Dear Sexually Troubled:

Human beings differ greatly in many aspects of their sexual behavior. Some differences are: the desire for sex, the frequency of sexual activity, the ability to be creative and inventive, the capacity for a single (monogamous) sexual partnering, sexual knowledge, the ability to experience orgasm, the manner in which orgasm is achieved, the physical responses to sexual behavior, responses to self stimulation as it differs from responses to a given partner, and much, much more.

The Yin: You say there is no love involved. The sexual relationship is not the same thing as loving someone so its possible your spouse loves you and yet cannot be as sexual as you wish him to be. You will need to talk to him to discover more about your mutual problems. For example, is he unable to have sexual desire or is he satisfying his sexual needs mostly by self stimulation. It is unlikely you alone will be able to help him since the sexual relationship has not worked for four years. You can find a professional sex counselor to be your guide in improving your sex life.

The Yang: There is no “normal”. Each couple discovers what will work in their relationship and each makes an effort to please their mates because life is happier that way. This principle applies to many aspects in a relationship, sex is just one of these aspects. Ask yourself in what ways you and your “good guy” enjoy your life together? If the answer is in many ways, then consider yourself fortunate. If not, then take a long hard look at your marriage in its total essence and discover what you both can do to improve it.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com