Girlfriend's Rape

Date: Apr 2004
From: "p"
Subject: Dr. Beverlee,
I feel I you can help me....
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com


Dear Dr. Beverlee,

I am unsure that you are still practicing or if you can help me, but I have a problem that has been bothering me lately and want to see what kind of advice you can give me. I know your time is valuable and with that, I want to compensate you if your advice proves helpful for me. Now I will begin.

I am a nineteen year old male who has been going out with his first and current girlfriend for the past 2 months. I only see her about once every other week. But when I am with her, we are both very, very happy. We share our thoughts and kiss and do what boy friends and girlfriends naturally do. However, when we are alone and I attempt to kiss her neck, or kiss her a bit more
aggressively, she asks me to completely stop. Hours later she will apologize. She tells
me this is a result of an attempted rape on her 4 months ago. She also says I remind her of that "vicious person" when I kiss her the way I do. She tries to ignore the similarities and cannot. I can't just stop kissing her. We talk about it too. I feel so disgusting that I remind her of that person. But I love her. And she loves me. What more can I do? Do I need to just wait it out for
more months and possibly years for her thoughts to diminish?

Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time doctor.
-A

Dear Asking The Right Questions:

Thank you for writing and I am happy to respond. I do not accept any compensation since my wish is to be of service while I am retired from private practice.

Rape is a horrific experience and time is needed for your girlfriend to recover. Frequently counseling is most beneficial because rape victims can’t express their emotions or repetitive thoughts to a friend or family member. They feel shamed about the event, often blaming themselves without any just case for this blame.

The Yin: Gentle affection and patient understanding of her pain are most important if you are to continue the relationship. Since you are very young and this is a new experience much can be learned about sensitivity to another’s needs and the importance of unconditional loving and caring. A man who learns caring, patience, kind acts, a light touch, an ability to read what another desires will find a special loving acceptance from his partner.

The Yang: Your girlfriend mis-spoke. You do not remind her of that person who attempted raping her. The aggressive kissing, touching, etc are the reminders of her rape. She reenters the experience whenever you are aggressive in your acts, even if these aggressive acts were previously desired. At this time that is not tolerable. So as the song says very wisely, “ Try a Little Tenderness”.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com