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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on April 18, 2004 at 19:05:21:
From: L
Date: Apr 2004
Subject:
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
I have a very unusual problem. I have been with my partner for 11 years. We are not married but have a daughter together who is 10. My problem began a couple months ago when I became friends with someone from work and had an affair with them. I have never felt so alive before in my life. My PARTNER FOUND OUT AND THINGS CAME OUT ABOUT ALL. THE OTHER PERSON IS ANOTHER WOMAN AND I HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER. BUT I ALSO LOVE MY PARTNER AS I ALWAYS HAVE. They DO NOT GET ALONG WELL AND HAVE TRIED FOR MY SAKE. the PROBLEM IS THAT THEY BOTH SAY AS LONG AS I AM HAPPY THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS AND THEY CAN LIVE WITH THE WAY THINGS ARE. I KNOW EVERYTHING IS NOT FINE AND I MUST BE A SICO TO THINK IT EVER WILL BE. My MAN IS SO DEPRESSED ALL THE TIME AND IS NOT THE SAME MAN HE WAS BEFORE AND I AM SPREADING MYSELF SO THIN TO SPEND TIME WITH BOTH OF THEM. My LADY NEVER ASKS ANYTHING FROM ME BUT I HAVE THE NEED TO SEE HERE EVERYDAY AND NOT JUST AT WORK OR AT LEAST TALK TO HER. I TRIED TO STOP THE WHOLE MESS AND IT LASTED ABOUT 3 DAYS. Both SHE AND I WERE MISERABLE WHICH MADE HIM THAT WAY ALSO. PLEASE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I CAN'T CHOOSE BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO LIVE WITH OUT EITHER ONE. she AND I BOTH KNOW WHAT WE HAVE CAN NEVER BE A COMPLETE RELATIONSHIP BECAUSE OF OUR CHILDREN BUT STILL WANT TO KEEP OUR FRIENDSHIP.
SHe SAY'S HE CAN LIVE WITH IT BUT WE BOTH KNOW SHE CAN'T. I CAN'T STOP FEELING SO GUILTY. DO YOU HAVE ANY ADVICE AT ALL? I WILL SIGN HOW I FEEL.. lost IN A DREAM WORLD
Dear Lost in a Nightmare:
Maintaining two love relationships and being part of a family lifestyle (child age 10) is exhausting. In your situation there is also conflict and knowledge of your split loyalty. The bottom line is that no one in the triangle is at peace. Your mate struggles with depression which is a periodic burden for all, including the 10 year old child. The Yin: Have a meeting with all three adults present. Ask yourselves if a comfort level could be achieved by limiting the female relationship to a pure friendship and shared non-sexual intimacy which many women have with female friends. All of you could agree on the time involved during the week which needs to be approximate. By that I mean time that doesn’t drain your energy – also called spreading yourself too thin. Perhaps if you can give your 11-year-mate more of yourself and truly enjoy activity together, he will do what’s necessary to discover his old happier self. He may need outside help to focus on his own wellbeing and doing things in his own life that give him pleasure. He may be dependent on you, which is destructive. Ask him to address his own issues. The Yang: If some sharing as a life style does not work, then you will need to make a choice very soon between these two relationships. Stop feeling guilty and act as a responsible adult to solve the problem. No one will survive well if the mess continues. Try the Yin first. Only you can create a better life since the others appear unwilling to remove themselves from “the mess”. Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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