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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on May 24, 2004 at 12:13:19:
From: R I was recently raped by my best friend and her husband. M and I had been best friends for 7 ½ years. She and her husband were curious about being with someone else and when they had asked me in the past, I always said, "No." On March 27th, she helped me move into my new place. She suggested that we should get drunk that night since we never drink anymore. I didn't really care to, but thought, "Why not?" We had maybe 7 margaritas out of margarita glasses which isn't that much alcohol. Her husband, R, only had 3 beers earlier that night, so he was pretty much sober. M had brought up that she still had not had a three-some and that she was jealous because I had (years ago). At this time, R made my last drink. I was not that drunk, then I was asleep on the couch. I do not know if he put anything in my drink or not. M had also fallen asleep on the couch and R woke us up and told us to go lie in their bed. I was on one side, she was in the middle and he was on the other side. I fell back asleep. (It is now the early morning of March 28th) The next thing I know my best friend was taking off my shorts, then she and her husband started messing with me. I will not go into detail of all of the events at this time. I was still asleep and thought that what was happening was just a dream because there was no way my best friend would do this stuff to me and allow her husband to have sex with me while she held my legs up for him. I do not know if he used protection, or if he finished. I do know that she toweled off my stomach after it was over, but I didn't feel anything. I never did wake up all the way during this, I was aware of what was happening, but didn't think it was happening. I awoke later in the morning and found my shorts and put them on and went to the restroom. I didn't even think about the fact that I didn't have my shorts on. At that point I realized one of my earrings had been pulled out at some time and was now looking for it. M asked me what I was doing and began helping me look for my earring. I found it later. We layed back down in the bed. When morning came, I got up and left. I still didn't think that anything had happened. I kept busy that day with the move and didn't even think about it. Monday, March 29th, which is my birthday, I had an already scheduled appointment with my gynecologist. During the exam he asked me, "Have you had sex?" I responded, "No." Then he looked at me and asked again, "You haven't had sex?" Again, I said, "No." He continued the exam and I left. On the way home, I started thinking about it and putting the pieces together and realized that what I thought I had dreamt, had actually occurred. Then I started thinking I was out of my mind. My best friend would not hurt me. She called after I got home and asked how the visit went. I rushed her off the phone, told her I would call her later. I began to wonder if she had known what had happened or if she was just trying to make me think that nothing had happened and was all fine. I was just going to let it go and avoid her, cut all ties with her. I saw no reason trying to report it. March 31st, I began cramping really bad and eventually started to bleed. I went to the emergency room and still didn't report the incident. By this time, I was sure that it had happened, but didn't want to talk about it at all. I was given a morphine shot for the pain and they never did determine why I had been hurting. I was discharged from the emergency room the morning of April 1st. I went to my doctor after I left there since the emergency room had done nothing but taken blood work and did a physical examination. My doctor did another examination and prescribed me something for pain and antibiotics and sent me home as well. I started wondering if the pain and cramping and the reason for going was because I had been hurt by M or R a few nights before. A fellow co-worker came over later that night and I told her. She told me I should report it. We called and a deputy came out and took the report. A deputy was sent out to their home that night as well. I did not hear from anyone regarding the incident for a couple of weeks. I eventually heard back from the detective who was handling the case and he advised me that the State's Attorneys Office has decided not to pursue the case due to physical evidence. He advised that he had spoken to both M and R and that they said it was consensual. I know this is wrong. I wonder if the State's Attorneys Office was somehow influenced by the fact the M's father is a cop. I have the doctors office bills that I would not have had if it were consensual and I were not physically helpless at the time. I could not fight them off or tell them no because I was asleep. I may have been drugged, I don't know. The hospital may still have my blood work from my visit. I know, this husband and wife, who were my good friends and I trusted, teamed up and endangered me while I was incoherent. I didn't even think twice about not being able to drink with them and anything happening to me. Especially not hurting me like this. Melissa knew that even back when we were younger and drank, I wouldn't have sex with anyone while under the influence. I didn't like not being in control of my body and my actions. I never thought they would hurt me like this, but now I am not just thinking of myself only, they have four children in the home. They may not harm them, but maybe one of their friends. It took me, a grown adult, four days to talk about it, a child might not be that open to report it. I am stuck and do not know where to go for help with this now. What can you advise?
The events you describe are doubly painful. You suffer, it appears, a drugged molestation and the loss of a long term friendship. Since so much time has passed the reality of your experience may never be fully known, however, you need to gain more information so that you can emotionally and mentally respond to the choices you will make. Act as your own detective. Contact your gynecologist and ask him what he observed and why he asked you about your sexual activity that day. When he saw you the second time why did he give you antibiotics? On March 31st when you bled, you didn’t know the reason. Go back to the hospital records and find out what the blood works results are, and what they showed. Perhaps the tests revealed drugs in your system. The medical people who examined you have the information you need. Understand, your medical records - hospital or physician - are legally available for you to see. The next step is to contact the State Attorney General’s office and get their report. What did they mean when they say no physical evidence? Did they check medical records at the hospital and your gyn’s office? Th Yin: You may still have legal recourse to regain the funds for your medical bills including the counseling. Speak to someone who is an attorney or legal assistance such as ACLU or the Public Defenders’ office. You will need to know your legal rights relating to this terrible experience. The Yang: Emotionally cutting all ties to your damaging ex-friend is essential. It will take time to heal this enormous betrayal. You may decide not to pursue any further legal recourse because it will keep you tied to the pain. It is a decision only you can make. Everyone must choose their own journey. No matter what choice you make, seek emotional support from family, friends and, if necessary, a counselor. A final thought, what appears to be the worst experience can become the beginning of positive changes and a new, happier life. When one door closes, another opens. Feel free to write again. |