Intra-Family Poor Communication

From: rt
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com Subject: Date: May 2004

Dear Dr. Beverlee,

I need advice on what to do about my son's 21st birthday party. He will be 21 on June 18th. The problem is my sister in laws 6 year old daughter's (our niece) birthday is the same day. Whenever we plan a family party, she automatically just includes our neice’s birthday party with our son's. It would be different if they were the same or close to the same age, but they aren't. This is a hallmark birthday for our son and we feel it is not to be shared with a 6 year old girl. My hubby spoke to his mom about it and she told him that we were putting her between a rock and a hard place. By the way, this little girl can do NO wrong in grandma's eyes. The party is at a local reservoir so that we can all camp and swim and stuff all weekend. How can we handle this without making his family so mad? I am afraid this will put a permanent wedge in the family because my husband and his sisters relationship is already strained. And his mom and his relationship will be strained too and all in part due to our niece. Help.......... distressed in Colorado.
Thank you so very much.

Dear RT:

I am sorry about the delay as I have been traveling and have been without computer/Internet access.

Your niece is not the problem. Adults in the two families have not succeeded in creating peaceful and respectful relationships. The time to clean-up this communication mess is long over due.. An important rule of communication has been violated in that your husband needs to speak directly to his sister and not use his mother as an intermediary. Within families each person must honor the other relationships by addressing each one individually as events dictate. Gossiping or talking to the wrong person can lead to entangled chaos and, over time, much pain.

The Yin: Each child deserved their own space for birthdays from the very beginning. Celebrations could have been alternated yearly as to dates for these events. A day later - or earlier - is better than forcing an unacceptable party. Brother and sister could meet alone and make a serious effort to change their strained relationship. If your husband is the person who keeps the peace by compromising his own wishes then that is his decision. Whatever is accomplished can only be determined by your husband and his family members one on one. Not knowing most of the family issues, I can only guess at the current pain. I am happy to respond to any questions from him, so please share this email with him.

The Yang: Ask yourself why you have permitted this birthday issue to go on for six years? Blame is placed at your niece’s feet as though she is orchestrating the adult decisions. Hardly likely! Grandma does have a right to indulge her love and generosity on her grandchildren in what ever way she chooses even if she is not perceived evenhanded. Love is complex.

Your six-year-old niece may represent a threat because she has so much attention from the family and your mother-in-law. Perhaps your own needs are not met within your own life. Think about the changes you would want for yourself and how to achieve them. When you are in balance, the child will not be a source of pain as she is now. It may help you to seek some answers to some obvious personal issues.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com