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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on June 22, 2004 at 17:26:21:
From: “D"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:Communication Complications
Date: Jun 2004 Dear Dr. Beverlee:
Although my husband and I lived together prior to getting married a few months ago, we felt that even though we were soul mates that we definitely wanted to be sure that we could cohabitate effectively within the same everyday space and have not regretted our decision at all. We share a lot of the same compatible qualities such as good work ethics, value systems, similar viewpoints on issues, good sanitation inside the household, organizational skills, vegetable and flower gardening interests, we come home to each other at the end of each day, make daily contact a few times throughout the day to say hello to the other one, etc. Even though we have so much in common, there is one major problem--communication complications. My husband is a plain and simple person, quiet, reserved, non-confrontational, and slow to anger (never seen him get mad in 5.5 years). He does not tell me about the details of his everyday life-personal or work, nor does he speak very much of his past relationships or details from his past. Friends' husbands tell them simple facts about their day etc. and a lot of times I find out details from them instead of from my husband which frustrates me to no end. I have talked endlessly to my husband about the level of communication I have with him and have encouraged him to discuss details with me, and he always replies, "I do don't I or he doesn't say anything." The very small details of his life he has communicated with other people on a rare occasion, and they will mention this later. The number one question is always, "Why didn't you tell me about such and such?" Even though my husband is a wonderful and loving person, he does not talk to me about the details of his day or life and I feel as if he clams up around me. He does not talk to others about details either. I think he has some kind of problem with communication. I feel that I am living with a stranger. I am proud that he chose me to spend the rest of his life with but feel that being with someone and knowing them are two different things. Surely there's something that can be done. I have tried everything including talking to him and coming up with every kind of probing question I can think of and have completely run out of any ideas or direction with this. To me communication is the key to longevity in a relationship as well as the quality of life; if you can communicate, you can work anything out effectively. What should I do? How do I deal with my beloved husband who says he loves me so much, but does not communicate himself to me? Please help with this. Dear D: When both partners in marriage accept, respect, and love each other, then “longevity” and happiness are created. The qualities that exist for you both are exceptional and wonderful. In the 30 years I’ve been a practicing psychotherapist I rarely hear people talk about this level of compatibility. So the fit between you both is beyond good. The Yin: When I counsel couples before marriage I ask them to think seriously abut accepting each other “just the way they are.” That acceptance is important because basic personality structure rarely changes and in fact become more dominant with time. The man you married is an introvert and enjoys quiet, one on one relationships, in depth commitment, and a steady easy road. Introverts are not great talkers or communicators (they “process, process, process issues and ideas before speaking”). See him not as a stranger but as someone different from you. Can you accept his difference and love him for who he is, as you say, “A wonderful loving man”? He may never be the talker you want. You can find this easy communication with your woman friends. Enjoy him for all the qualities that drew you to him in the first place. The Yang: I suspect women will be lined up to meet your guy if you end up creating enough pain in your marriage and it ends sadly. Think about this: If you have a serious issue that needs to be decided or discussed will he refuse to talk to you? What important things has he kept from you? If the answer is no, then enjoy all the good stuff you share for the next 50 or 60 years. If the answer is yes to these 2 questions, then I would like to continue a dialogue with you. In any event please write again and I will respond. Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com
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