Yong Love, Poor Choice

From: "D D”
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Date: Jun 2004

Hi, I am looking for specific relationship advice. My name is d, I
Just got engaged to my fiancé, and I am beginning to find out more and
more specific information about her relationship history. She's been
with a lot of guys, from my point of view anyways. We are both 23, I’ve been with 4, slept with 3 all long term relationships; I believe sex to be important, not something to be thrown around.

She's had countless b/f's, and slept with 7, one night stands,
crushes that didn't work out, you name it. She even had one b/f that cheated on her, called her a whore, etc... cause she didn’t sleep with him, then after she had a bad break up she went back and had a "fling" with him.

It's obvious she's made some bad choices, one guy she was living
with cheated on her, stopped working, became an alcoholic and she
didn't leave him until he knocked up some other girl and got her $6000 in debt. She can admit some mistakes but for the most part she just brushes the fact that all these guys just used her.

I was at a function with her the other day and she pointed out her
Last b/f before me, a 27 year old who just got divorced and I could just tell all he wanted from her was a piece of hot college ass. It makes me so frustrated to think of what he must have been thinking looking at us together.

see, my fiancé is such a nice girl, she beautiful, drinks beer,
watches sports, can have fun... the girl everyone wants. But she's too
flirty sometimes, and I think it’s gotten her into a few too many bad
relationships. What my problem is; is that I can't stop obsessing about it all, all I can think about (and as much as I hate to say it) is that she was a slut. I hate thinking of her that way, I’ve been fighting with my brain for a long time now, but days like the other day when we ran into her ex just ignite it again for me and it's all I can think about. How could she have been so naive? So promiscuous? She had a great upbringing, didn't hang out in a bad crowd, all her friends have only been with 1-2 guys then got married.

It's just really hard to have mental images of the girl you want to
spend the rest of your life with, with so many other guys, you know. one or two of these situations I could have handled, but 7 in a row is past my comfort zone. How do I get them out of my head so I can focus on us and the future?

sincerely,
Frustrated

Dear D:

Fortunately you are asking some questions and not leaping into marriage when you have serious questions about your mate. What strikes me most about your story is the incredibly bad judgment on the part of your fiancé as you have presented it. Do not focus on the future until you fully know and understand who this person is you plan to marry.

The Yin: Name calling will not resolve any issue and there are many issues to approach with your mind, not your obsessing heart. The important aspect is not only how many men but what quality of intimacy and commitment is your fiancé able to provide. How does someone live with a louse, get into serious debt, and lightly walk away onto the next mess?

Your fiancé says, “She was used. If you think about it, she is responsible for being treated badly and being “used”. No one can force her decisions! All she needed to do at any point was say “no” and walk away. By the way, that is also a choice YOU have and a good choice at that!

The Yang: D, you focus on the sexual behavior, but there are many aspects of compatibility which create a long lasting happy marriage. Some of these to consider are mutual goals and values, raising children, agreement on finances, relationships with family, standards of behavior, priorities concerning work, family, play, and many more. Mutual respect and acceptance for each other – something lacking here – is critical. Step back, spend some time alone and think clearly about making this very important decision to blend your life with another. Is this a woman who can create with you the shared life you want? Do not expect to change her! Do not imagine that any problem that exists now will just disappear and get better once you are married.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com