Running Out Of Hope

Date: Jul 2004
From: "m d"
Subject: PLEASE HELP!

Dr. Beverlee,
I really need your help. I was a virgin til I was 18. I fell in love and lost it to my boyfriend R. A month later I was pregnant. Had my son at 19. now I’m 20. I love my boyfriend with all my heart. But I really need help. I have a negative outlook on life and very depressed. I just want to make them happy. My mom ran out on me when I was 15 and I'm scared my boyfriend will too. He wants to hang out with friends and have fun. But I like to stay home. We live with my dad right now b/c he has fines and can't afford a place. I know he is uncomfortable here and wants to enjoy himself. I want him to be able to go off and have fun but I fear he will get in trouble b/c of his friends. I am so lonely I don't talk to any of my friends anymore and my dad is always gone. I feel like I'm always home with a baby. I feel like I'm controlling his life. I just want us to be happy. But I'm making us miserable. His family lies to me so I don't trust what they tell me and it causes agreements. My dad is divorced and I have to do everything. cooking, cleaning, running errands and that causes problems also. I feel that I owe it to my dad since he has been so good to us. But R said he feels trapped b/c we can never go anywhere. and when we do my dad calls my phone wanting me to do something for him. I know we need our own place. But we really can't afford it. I want to go back to work but R doesn't like the way they treated me there. I only want to work part-time b/c I'm not ready to leave my son all day for a full-time job. Right now he is unemployed and has been working hard to find a job. I just feel like nothing b/c I can't afford anything. R has some money left from his last job and has one more check coming. So we can buy for our son. We can't even buy for ourselves. times are rough and we are miserable and we take things out on each other. R wants to do what he wants when he wants and he says I’m no fun b/c all I do is stay home. I want to get our romance back, but its hard right now. My dad used to be real controlling before he got saved. he still is to some extent. I'm afraid I'm turning into my dad b/c of my loneliness. Can you please help me I don't know what to do. I don't know if you make phone calls but here is my number just in case. I really need someone to talk to.
Thanks,
M D

Dear Running Out Of Hope:

Having a baby when there is no stable, established life is sad and has created very difficult challenge and losses. You had previous losses especially when your mom abandoned you at age 15. However, you can work hard and change the depressing road you are now walking.

The Yin: R is great at giving advise and not taking responsibility for his own choices. As you describe things, clearly he is having fun and at the same time is unable to work a steady job. He will need to face reality and learn what parenting and shared partnering is all about. The other male in your life, dad, has turned you into his wife/housekeeper. Whether or not you wish to believe it, he is as controlling now as he was before he became “born again”! Both men in your life are “controlling” your life, but that is only because you are allowing it. If you wish to remain the “victim” that is a choice you make, and a poor one at that.

The Yang: It is time for you to become your own person. Part-time work no only gives you income you need in order to be an independent person, but it also gives you a sense of self-worth. So get out there in the world and your negative outlook and depression will change. Many mothers use day care to enable them to make a life that is balanced - that is, work , play, care of babies, etc. Babies can do many things with a mother so think about when and what you can do with her in a baby sling or pack. It is important to get out and smell the roses. Living your life to make someone happy is impossible. You can only make yourself happy and in the process share your happier, better self with another. Your are young and time is on your side. Reach out to a different world. Randy and your dad will respect you more when you are not a doormat. More importantly you will have self respect and a purpose in life.

Another final comment, when you enlarge your life by meeting other people (possibly at work) your dependence on R for all things will change. You will have a life with your own friends and interests to pursue. Wake up tomorrow and take one small step on the path of an independent better life.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com