Man In Love And Fearful Woman

From: T
Date: Sep 2004
Subject: a woman’s fear
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com

Dear Dr. Beverlee,
I am dating a woman who has a fear of a lasting commitment. We are the same age. We are both divorced after being married for about twenty years. Our Ex-spouses each had extra marital affairs. Naturally we both have some fears and concerns. Her ex-husband cheated on her many times in their marriage. She was very committed to the marriage however and forgave him many times until fed up and left him. They have been divorced for seven years. She has not really allowed herself to become to close to anyone until I came along. We have grown very close; however she can't seem to break through this wall of fear. These fears are based on the fear of losing someone again and the thought that I may eventually become interested in other women. We have discussed these problems in depth and I do understand her fears. I have reassured her that she need not worry about me straying. I know these fears take time do dissolve and we are working on them together. We are both Christians and attend the same church. We do love each other. Any advice to help her, help me help her and us would be greatly appreciated. We have a beautiful thing going.
Thank You,
T

Dear Man in Love and Fearful Woman:

The woman you love has been seriously wounded over a long period of time by her ex-husband. When you say time is needed to gain trust in your relationship with her, and trust is necessary to become a permanent married couple, you have given an important piece of your puzzle. Since I do not know how long you have dated, time becomes one factor. Maintaining an honest, sensitive, and caring relationship which enables the trust between you is essential to the wellbeing of your partnership. Communication that can aid understanding one another is the single most outstanding complaint I hear from couples. You write about talking in depth, and that is, and will continue to be, an important element to a beautiful relationship.

The Yin: T, explore the possibility that other reasons may exist for her reluctance. Sometimes human beings focus on the obvious concerns and do not acknowledge the other feelings below the surface. Are there any other problems? Are there children involved, and how does that play out in the relationship? Does she have the need to be an unmarried woman for a longer period of time? If this is so, then enjoy the wonderful sharing experience of two likeminded souls and wait for her to ask you to marry.

The Yang: If the “wall of fear” is creating pain for your friend and prevents her from living a rich, loving, and happy relationship then her best decision may be to get professional help with a competent counselor. How much fear interferes with life only your friend can define. Ultimately it is her discomfort that will bring her to a counselor’s door. Your role is patience and support.

Please share this email with your friend. Feel free to write again, especially if you have some more information to share.

Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com