Maintaining A Mate's Confidential Sharing

From: "C"
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:help
Date: Sep 2004

Hi,

Recently my boyfriend of 8 years who is also the father of my 22 month old daughter informed me that he was sexually abused my his mother when he was a child. (He is now in his 20's, we have been together since high-school) He was drinking when he told me and when I brought it up the next day he got really upset and said that if I brought it up again he would be really upset with me and if anyone else found out it would have only be me that told and he would deny everything to make me look like a liar. He is very stubborn and wont go to counseling as per my suggestion and I was wondering if I should just leave it alone or tell someone or try to help him further. He has obvious signs of depression and I am worried that he might in the future not know how to handle our daughter because he did have an abusive childhood and didn’t get help for it. I knew he had a really bad childhood because he was also physically abused by his father which I was aware of before we got serious, but this news about his mother is new to me and harder to handle. Any suggestions will help.
Thanks.

P.S. Please don’t put my name on this letter. Thanks

Dear Concerned:

The last thing you would want to do is tell someone about your mate’s serious problems. He deserves your full support and belief that anything he tells you is totally safe and confidential.

The Yin: One of your concerns is the upbringing of your daughter. Do you have the responsibility to make sure that she is at all times with people who have her wellbeing at heart? Parents monitor children for signs of disturbance or unusual behavior. If you have no evidence of any problem, you may continue a watchful eye that is comfortable and reasonable. You, as the mother, always have the right to terminate any relationship that endangers your daughter.

The Yang: At this time you have decided to stay in a relationship with a man who is probably depressed and struggling with his life. He chooses to not get professional help even though there has been serious abuse in his childhood. There is no way to control his life, nor would you want to do this and maintain a healthy relationship. What can you do? Look at the last eight years. Ask yourself, “If your life with your boyfriend were to remain the same for the next five years, is that what you would want for yourself and your child?” If the answer is no, then seek help to change your own life. I suspect that many things are “harder to handle” as time passes. Only you can make a difference in direction with or without your mate. Perhaps eight years is enough.

Feel free to write again.
Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com