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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on October 06, 2004 at 22:09:16:
I am desperate. I have been looking for an answer for a long time now. I have been with my husband for 21 years, 5 years dating and living together and married for 16 years. Which means I met my husband when I was 18? We have two children 10 and 15. He is a good father and a good friend. Unfortunately I am no longer in love with him. I believe the reason for this is I have lost respect for him and we have been to counseling, but it has not helped. I am not attracted to him and this has been going on for at least 10 years. It has now reached a point where my heart physically hurts. I have told him I wanted a separation and eventual divorce, which is hard for him because he still loves me very much and does not feel the same way do. I feel guilty because of this and don’t want to hurt him or my children. Dear Desperate to Love or Leave: Whether we are a friend or a mate in a relationship the most essential characteristics are respect and trust. The important element you mention is that you no longer respect your husband. No details are given so I must assume that something very significant occurred which ended your respect – yet he is s friend!! That is a puzzle which more information might solve. In any case, if you continue to live in a loveless marriage without making changes, no one is sheltered from the pain. The Yin: Ask yourself what is necessary for you to once again respect your husband? What is he able and willing to do to gain your respect and love? Very few things in life are irreparable, that is incapable of change and or repair. If every effort has been made to regain the lost respect, loves, and perhaps trust, then seriously consider the divorce you have already discussed with him. The Yang: Children and marital partners survive divorce. How well children adjust is directly related to the parent’s willingness to be caring of the needs and interests of their children. The more anger and manipulation that exists, the more damage to all family members. Everyone knows that children do best in a loving family; however, divorce is a reality when all else fails. Do not allow yourself to be overpowered with guilt. It is a useless emotion. Rather, look at the problem as one that has a better solution. No matter what you choose, there will be a price to pay because either choice includes losses. Only you can decide which loss is necessary at this time. Being selfish or self-centered is not the issue. Facing the facts of your life is. What can you and your husband do to heal the marital wound? Or if not, what steps can you to take to move on and create a new life? Best Regards, PS: Please feel free to give me more details and I may be able to respond with better help. |