Reluctant Second Marriage - Patience, Patience

From: "H M-R
To: askdrbeverlee@yahoo.com
Subject:my spiritual path
Date: Mar 2005

hello-
My name is h. I am a single mom of three little ones, - I'm 39 years young. I follow my path of spirit as best as I can, and try to be a good example to my children.
I have had an extremely emotional year this past year, and am struggling with a relationship. I feel very broken and weary, and I wish to renew and grow from all of this- but I sometimes don't know where to step next.

My friend/partner was on his way to divorce, and then tried to reconcile during the holidays. Everyone around them knew it wouldn't work, they are too far done to mend....but they had to try in order to see for sure.
Well, it didn't work, and she moved out, again, but their strings are still attached to each other. he comes to me and tells me it will be ok, and we just need to all go with the flow for a while, as this is moving forward towards divorce, but, I've been pushed away, then asked back in so many times this past year, and I am so hesitant that it will all fall apart AGAIN....instead of feeling relief that he's made a decision to finally divorce and heal, my stomach hurts all the time, for fear that there will be a note on my door one morning, saying they are going to try again.
This may seem pretty clear on paper, but he keeps asking me to stay close, and I can see the love he has for me in his eyes...finally. Really I do see it this time. I know it is my choice whether to stay close and wait and see, but I think I do love him, and want to trust that all of this is part of his process in a tough heartstring break with his wife.

each couple, myself and my ex included, does their dance of divorce and cutting the ties that bind in a different way- for some, it's harder than for others....he's been more gentle and reassuring these past two weeks since this decision has been made, more than ever before- he's usually fairly abrupt and clear about the situation, and doesn't give me false hope- maybe I'm the one who's been hoping during this trial reconciliation they did...but he seems different this time- am I just fooling myself?
What to do? Wait and see if change comes this time? And, will he ever be ready to commit to the love for me that I see in his eyes?

Thank you for listening- any advice would help- I do not wish to stay stuck emotionally or spiritually, but my heart is tied to him now, and that's a hard one to break.
Sincerely, h m r

Hello Fearful and Tired:

If we were to have the best possible world regarding divorce, it would be meeting our new partner at least 2 years after a legal divorce. You have become attached to a man who is not emotionally divorced from his wife. And, he may never be emotionally or legally divorced from his children if there are any. The legal divorce takes a certain amount of time; the emotional acceptance of divorce is a far more difficult process and can extend for a few years. In some relationships the partners can remain connected in anger or love as long as they are living. Having said that as general information, here are some more personal thoughts.

The Yin: It is not uncommon for couples getting divorced to make one or more efforts to reconcile. Just remember, at one time, they chose each other for better or worse till the end of time. Your partner needs space to make his own decisions and he needs time to emotionally, fully separate. Since you are “broken and weary” give yourself some distance to renew your own life. Do those things that help you enrich the person you are. Become involved in interests and groups that can support your spirit. All around you are possibilities to re-enchant your spirit. Find them and begin to bring joy into your life and the life of your 3 children. You are endangering your spirit by becoming totally dependant on a partner’s decision. Do not focus all your time and attention on this “divorce”. Live in your own life and your stomach will likely stop churning.

If your mate wants a second marriage when he is hardly separated from the first, it may create enough pain to destroy all the love you say exists. So tread very slowly. Two divorces are not better than one. You can change direction, create space, and begin to enjoy the days centered more on you and your children. Given some positive time and space, you will know what both partners commitment can and should be.

The Yang: Imagine how your children deal with all the turmoil. Blending your family with him is a whole other challenge. If you decide to join you’re lives your children need much care and love as they adapt to a new parental figure. Both of you should receive guidance from library books or better yet a counselor before serious problems develop.

You seem aware of how adults and children respond differently to the dance of divorce. One thing is constant: those adults who are strong and have a sense of self-worth create better relationships as well as a healthier blended family.

Feel free to write me again,

Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com