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Posted by Dr. Beverlee
on March 15, 2005 at 08:45:29:
Ask Dr. Beverlee
Dear Concerned: Asking for understanding and help before entering a second marriage is wise, and taking time to work out the blending of your family with a new partner is the most important choice you will make toward a happier life. Children will test all the rules when families undergo large changes such as divorce. There are many unknowns in your story such as the time you have taken establishing your on life with your children. However, I will offer some thoughts. The Yin: Your fiancé will be more successful if he tries less hard to “win over” your five-year-old. He can divide his energy and attention in a more realistic manner, acting to all 3 of you as he naturally would. Your daughter is aware that she is ruling the roost, loving it, and like all children will continue to do so until the adults take control. She needs limits and boundaries. You will be the one talking to her about these and ONLY you will be the disciplinarian. Giving love and teaching what is appropriate appear to be what you are trying to accomplish. If so, continue to do this with patience and humor. Your daughter may not love her new step-father, but she needs to respect him. The Yang: There are many books on step-parenting which can be helpful to your fiancé. I suggest he check the local library or a book store. Or perhaps, even better, counseling with a family counselor will help both partners establish solid family behavior before problems destroy their best intentions. Feel free to write again.
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