Differences of Intimacy

(no subject)
Date: 7/2005
From: SG

To: BeverleeSee4ever

I am a 31 yo man married to a 26 yo for a year and a half. I am able to identify issues although I can't seem to come to a resolution. I am a moderate extrovert with the primary love language of words of affirmation and physical touch. My wife is an introvert with a primary love language of acts of service and receiving gifts. I feel alone in that my wife never verbalizes affirmation and rarely displays physical touch except when I initiate physical touch as well as sex. My wife states "I show you how I love you by cooking, cleaning and taking care of the house instead of saying it, it's how I am". When I present conflicts or situations that I am trying to work through it seems to irritate her so I have began to talk to friends when needed. My wife gets irritated when I call friends when we are home but I get tired of sitting there watching her bite her finger nails. I know this is a sign of anxiety but in her case seems to be more of a habit. I desire some words of affirmation and when I don't hear it it makes me feel unloved and alienated. I will be awaiting your response. Thanks S.G.

Dear SG:

Each of us has a personal way we show love and caring and although they may be quite different, all are valid. Having said that, it is important in a relationship to find ways to satisfy the needs of our partner, even if our effort is less than perfect.

From a therapist’s perspective one area of a relationship that creates problems is the different level of need for intimacy, affection, and sexual activity.

When a couple is courting before marriage, each partner may make a greater effort to please the other, and perhaps even express interests and attention beyond their true capacity. The most beneficial adjustments to the marriage can occur with honest communication. This willingness to share emotions and thoughts creates an atmosphere of trust and without that the relationship cannot grow happily.

The Yin: After 1 ½ years your marriage appears ill, but I hope not terminal. Let’s take each point from your perspective knowing another side exists:

1- Find activities you both can enjoy together, sitting and watching your wife is not one of them. Something brought you together, add more shared fun top whatever that was.
2- Introverts do not easily express themselves and can be even more withdrawn if they feel criticized. It is likely she knows you are unhappy and she is defending her very core personality. “This is who I am” means this is the person you married. My question to you is, “Why NOW are you unhappy with her introverted nature”? Has she changed recently? If yes, then talk about these changes with her. If the answer is no, then you need to take a long hard look at your own demands and reasons why you married an introverted, non-touching woman.

The Yang: Cooking, cleaning, housework in general, are lovely acts of caring. However, you clearly need more intimacy to be happy. Do things together like a lovely dinner out, talking about what you like in each other, or something romantic that you can arrange. Sexuality is much more than a sexual act.

Some couples need an excellent therapist-guide to achieve better communication and a joyful intimacy. Begin by sharing this letter with your wife. If she is willing, find a counselor who is professional and comfortable with marital counseling and intimacy/sexual issues.

Write again if I’ve missed something or you want more guidance.

Best Regards,
Dr. Beverlee, author of The Day the Music Stopped, re-enchantment of our lost spirit
www.selfdiscoveryofspirit.com